This is the 2nd mother’s day separated from the husband. This year though they will be at their fathers house. However, he did ask if I wanted to get them earlier on Sunday. So that counts for something I guess.
The difference this year is Donna. I don’t know if the husband will help the boys pick a present or a card. I wish he would. Not because I want a gift but because I want him to be a good example. Even if he doesn’t do anything, Donna has. So at least they have that. I want them to be able to express themselves and sometimes that requires help.
The boys and I got Donna a present. Cam picked a card and I picked a card. She could have run away plenty of times but she sticks around. She is there when my crazy is to much for even me to handle. She takes on responsibilities that she doesn’t have to. She disciplines them so I’m not always the bad guy. She is a mommy when she doesn’t need to be and I love her even more for it.
I want to write about something upbeat or funny. But it’s hard to think of things when I’m in a low.
So I only remember one thing right now.
Monday I had to meet with Cam’s head start teacher. I had to redo Avery’s enrollment info. So I get Cam but tell him we have to talk with Miss. Kerry for a bit. I do all the stuff that needs to be done. Then I ask Miss. Kerry how the summer camp work through the school he goes to. She gives me the info and all is good.
Then Cam, who has moved from his original spot, pops up next to me and says…..
“If I go to camp do I get to shoot a bear?!?! Will I have to shoot a baby bear?”
It was this odd mix of excitement and fear. All I could do was laugh. Because the only camp we have talked about is camping. And even then we never mentioned shooting bears! Just that you have to watch out for them.
So I told him he had to talk to Miss. Donna, the director, because I dont think that’s how day camp works. I was poor and went to vacation bible camp like once.
So he goes to her and says “If I get to go to camp do I have to shoot a bear?!”
She just laughed and confirmed that it is not that type of camp.
For the past like 4 days I have been a mess. I am crying over nothing and over everything. While I am willing to acknowledge that my period is probably playing a partial roll, I think it’s more.
Thursday the boys had their therapy. Avery has been more aggressive and Cam feels like daddy isn’t listening. I couldn’t go to the appt because I had work. Not being able to go makes me feel like shit. I know that Donna has it under control but I still want to be there. I want to make it better for them.
My husband says he will make the changes that need to be made on his end. But at the end of the day I know it most likely won’t happen. I mean look at our marriage. It was nothing but “I’ll work on it.” “I’ll make it better.” “I’ll change.” And nothing got worked on, nothing got better, nothing changed.
So now I sit, wait and see if it will happen. Then when it doesn’t happen I’m not sure where I’ll go with it. I know what I should probably do. I should probably file for full custody and request he be required to take parenting classes or have supervised visits. But I don’t know if what’s happening, or not happening in some instances, is enough to ask that of the courts.
At home I am tired, sad, and a little lonely. Most nights when I come home I wish I could go right to bed. But I can’t. I suck it up, try to put on a happy face, and I try to be present with the boys. I’m not sure if I am passing or failing on that aspect.
It’s not like I can even blame it on work. Work has been pretty good. I have a new client, he is a sweetheart, and I already adore him.
So things are going fine but I still really want to cry half the time. I’m sitting in the car waiting for my mom having test done and I want to cry. I have no clue what’s wrong with me.
So on Monday Cameron had picture day! As soon as he saw the paper for it he wanted to know what he could wear. After looking in his drawers he decided he didn’t have anything that look like the suggested outfits. So I told him that I would take him to find something.
He picked everything himself and was so proud to wear it. Then when we got to his school he was afraid to go in. He was afraid he would be made fun off. I told him they were his friends and would probably love it.
Here is his before school picture. When I get the ones from the picture day I will upload one.
Friday did not go particularly well. My post that morning was the start of emotional instability for the whole evening and in turn the weekend.
After work I went home to get records needed to enroll Cam in school. This of course lead to a conversation with Donna about my mental health and how there may be more wrong than originally though. This thought stems from the fact that for the past month I have been taking my medication regularly and I am still having episodes. The conversation resulted in lots of crying, mostly on my part and a little on her part. The conclusion was that she will go with me to my next medication appointment so we can begin to address the other issues I am having.
After the conversation and crying I felt better. We went about the day and did what we needed to for Cam’s enrollment. We got Cam and then we went to Avery’s school for family day. I was still feeling upset, I was still sad, and I occasionally started to cry. But I held it together for family day. Took a clonazepam.
After that we took the boys to get their father a birthday present and then we went to meet PopPop for the custody exchange.
After that my mood was still low. So we made the decision to go out to a karaoke and drag show event we had previously seen advertised. Got changed and took a clonazepam. I would love to tell you that it all went well. That we had a couple drinks and I felt better. Normally what happens when I take a clonazepam and have a drink, found out by accident, a little while later is that I feel happy. This is not what happened. For whatever reason the combination did not work. It got more crowded. I began to feel panicked and trapped. Took a clonazepam. We go outside, I breathe a little, and we decide to go downstairs where it isn’t as busy. Still it doesn’t work. So we decide to go to the car for a little bit. I didn’t really think it at the time but I should have known this meant we weren’t staying. Somewhere in my mind I thought I would be able to stick it out.
I don’t remember when it started but I started to cry and hyperventilate a little. Or maybe a lot. I’m not sure. This probably continued off and on for an hour or more. Once again I’m not sure. There was just a lot of crying and talking.
After that… I passed out, not the bad kind. Then the next day I slept till 3. And I called off work on Sunday. It was just to much to handle at that moment.
I’m sorry. I think I might be depressed. Not bad depressed but a funk. I know I’m coming out of it slowly. I wish it was faster but it’s not.
There are things I want to talk about. But thinking about them makes me cry. An I’m at work so crying is not overly productive.
I feel like I’m a shitty person. I am apparently “mean.” Which is the opposite of what I’m normally told. So now I’m not sure where I fall. Am I kind and caring? Or am I “mean?” The worse part?! I’m not even sure I know what I’m doing to be mean. Or if I’m doing it and when I’m doing it. My memory is so crappy that I don’t even remember most arguements or what they were about.
I am “picking fights.” So I will partly agree to this. But only about one thing. Which is a book. A book that is important to me and has helped pull me back from my depression several times. So the book is important to me, or it was. And when something is important you share it. Or you try to. And when something is important you fight for it. But it’s not really important anymore. Trying to share it and failing makes me want to throw it. I want to have a tantrum like a child and I’m a grown ass woman.
There are all these words that I want to say or write and they all feel stuck in my throat and I feel like I am choking on them. I know they won’t come out right. I know they will be taken wrong.
I feel like I am losing myself. I thought I had found some of myself and now I’m not sure. It’s like I can no longer tell what is real, fake, manipulation, truth, or reality.
I want to disappear.
So I was in a down place for a couple weeks. I sort of still am but it’s better.
I haven’t really been working for the past month. Not since my regular client cancelled my companies services. They keep saying they will have someone for me. Yet here I am barely working.
I started putting in applications to new places. So far one company wants me to come in and put in an actual paper application and another company wants to schedule an interview. One was less than an hour after I submitted my application and the other was the next morning. This obviously makes me ecstatic. But also incredibly nervous!
My ability to do interviews is iffy. I get really nervous and tend to talk to much.
I love what I do now. But in all honesty the company I’m with kind of stinks. There are so many times when I find myself saying “They could be doing better.” OR “I could do their job better.”
There is a major lack of communication within the office and even outside the office. One case manager will ask me to work a certain client, but they won’t tell the other two case managers or they don’t tell the parents(if I can’t work). And when they find out I can’t do a certain day they don’t tell the parents. Then the parents will text me asking if I would be able to work, because no one told them. Telling a parent you can’t work is so much harder than telling the case manager!
I am a good worker. I show up on time, pick up cases last minute without knowing anything about the client, and I don’t complain. Most importantly I love my clients like they are my own children and do my best to treat them like I would want my children to be treated. If I’m caring for your child I won’t treat them like they are incapable of doing anything(unless they actually are). I will not talk down to them, I will not limit them by doing everything for them.
Not working much has me down. I know it will get better but that doesn’t make it easier in the moment.