According to Donna I have been being mean lately. As in I get snappy and rude. Most of the time I don’t realize I’m doing it till later.
For the most part when these things happen I’m just trying to express how I’m feeling. I guess I’m just going about it the wrong way. Except I don’t know what the right way is because I am socially inept.
Most of the time when these things happen I feel like shit and want to crawl into a hole. That’s all I’ve got right now. I just feel like crap.
This morning as I got Cam out of the car to go into school a woman ran a school bus stop sign. An as she did it I hollered “IT’S A STOP SIGN!” An she flipped me off. Then she parked her car and got her kid out, going to the same place as us. She proceeded to holler at me, throwing a wonderful F-bomb into the mix. I told her it’s illegal to run a bus stop sign. After the F-bomb I said “really? You’re just going to talk like that in front of a couple kids.”
I took my son in, signed him in, hugged him and told him not to worry. When I left she was shortly behind me. She hollered at me some more and I just kind of lost it. I started to cry and told her I don’t need that kind of shit going on. Especially in front of my kid. That things are hard enough as is. Dealing with their father who doesn’t seem to care for them like he should.
She hugged me and said she was sorry. She explained that she saw the sign but like me has a lot of shit going on too. Though not with her kids father. I cried, we talked, we hugged, and apologized.
I was wrong and she was wrong.
Every weekend when I pick my kids up I see things I can’t stand. Things that irritate me or in some cases really piss me off. When I see these things my heart breaks a little. The boys don’t see it yet. They don’t see the things their father doesn’t do that he should or the things he does do but shouldn’t.
Today I will cry when no one is watching.
A new year has started! So Happy New Year to you if you’re reading this.
My birthday is approaching. Generally it isn’t something I care about. Give me some ice cream cake and I don’t really care about anything else. However, this year I’m a little… worried. For Christmas I helped the boys pick their present(s) to their father. I wanted them to see that even though we are not together, he is still part of their lives and they should think about him. He did not do the same. I wasn’t really expecting that he would. It was more of a hope that he would.
I did get the little presents they made at school. I loved them and they made me cry! However, part of me is worried that isn’t enough to show them to be kind and thoughtful towards the women in their lives. I don’t want them growing up to thing that it is normal for them to not get their mother or the mother of their children nothing. I don’t want them to think that it is normal for me or future her to buy her own presents. I want them to know that a little thought can go a long way. To know that you are thought of makes a world of difference.
Cameron had asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I told him a pair of pajama’s. Simple and easy. But who helps him make that happen? At 5 and 3 they need someone to show them.
This year has been a roller coaster. I made big changes and took risks. The changes I chose to make had an effect on everyone around me.
After years of being unhappy I left my husband. I think that’s where the roller coaster started. He was angry and mean. He didn’t understand how I could just leave, he thought things were fine. They weren’t, he was blind. Because of his anger I had to get a PFA. So I changed his life because I wanted to change mine. I wanted to be happy. I changed my children’s lives. They only see their father on weekends and certain holidays. It is at times, a difficult adjustment for them. Sometimes they want daddy more than me and that is hard. With Cameron it is easy to explain. He is 5. Not only that but he has always had a better grasp on what is happening around him. With Avery it is harder. So I do my best to hug him and love him as much as possible.
By leaving him it changed my father in laws life. He doesn’t get to see his grandkids every day and his son changed.
Then I went on a rebound date. I had had my heart crushed by a stupid woman, so I went on a rebound date. A friend gave me advice to go out and have a good time. So I swiped right and went to lunch. It was the start of somethings amazing and I am glad I did it.
My mom moved back in with me after a medication misadventure and a broken hip.
There are more things. The ups and downs of every day. The days when I feel like I am losing control and can’t keep going. But I do. I keep going because I know my children’s father can’t take care of them full time. Sometimes I worry that he can barely take care of them on the weekends. I keep going because my mom needs me. I keep going because my girlfriend needs me. I keep going because I want to keep going. I want to make choices and changes that will cause a positive impact on those around me.
I have always known that the choices we make can have a chain reaction. That if you do something kind for a person you can change their whole day for the better. Then that person could change another persons day and so on. However, it’s not just the positives that can change peoples lives. The negatives can do the same. If you chose to drive drunk you could harm or even kill a persons loved one. Then the lives of those people change and how they look at or treat others will change. We are all tiny links.
My weekend has been fantastic. I have nothing I can really complain about. It has been full of fun.
However, ever since doing our custody exchange Friday evening I have been waiting for an email from the boys father. Or a text message from their grandfather. Asking if I can pick them up earlier than planned.
I’m ready to go get them if need be. But it also breaks my heart. From the start of the seperation my goal has always been for my children to maintain a relationship with their father. Now as we enter the new year I know I that the time may come when I go back to court and I have to ask the judge to cut back on the “extra” days.
I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Before Christmas came I was worried that it would be hard. It is the first since the separation after all. If I’m honest though it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I stressed a bunch before hand. I was worried about money, presents, and letting my kids down.
Since I had them for Christmas day, their father and I agreed to split the Santa toys. I got certain ones and he got certain ones. Then he would send his with his father on Friday pickups and I would wrap them in Santa’s special paper. While he did get Cameron one of the two things he was suppose to get he didn’t get the other item. I had told him where to go to get it and he said he couldn’t find it. Then the Friday before Christmas I meet his father to do the custody exchange and pick up the last of the Santa presents, Avery’s this time. When I got them out my heart dropped a little. FOUR huge construction trucks. Four to Cameron’s one. So I told Donna we had a present problem and that I would show her when I got home.
During the drive home I went through my mind of how do I fix this without spending a bunch of money I didn’t have. Cameron was already having issues with the fact that Avery had bigger presents under the tree. So I can only imagine what he would have thought if I had left it as was with Avery’s four big trucks and smaller items and Cam’s one big item and smaller items.
So we fixed it. Donna said all we had to do was take the trucks back to the store they come from. Thankfully he had left the receipt in the bag so the return was as good as cash. The store he got trucks from did not have the item Cam had wanted. So we took that cash and we went to the store that had the toy(s).
That night Donna and I stayed up and wrapped the presents. In the end the Santa presents were an even number and even in sizes.
Husband tried cutting his Christmas eve with them short by a couple hours. But in the end that didn’t happen because I called him out on it.
Christmas day rolled around and it wasn’t awful. Dan the dog did pee on a present but no harm was done! It was hectic but not awful. They had a good morning, they loved their presents, and they were happy.
For dinner we went to Donna’s dad’s house where they had a great time, as did we.
Tractor time for Avery!
Grossery Gang for Cam!
I only say almost because there were one or two times when a day was missed and then I got two the next day!
Knowing my love for mail and cards Donna decided to give me 12 Days of Cards. Though if it was suppose to be like the song 12 Days of Christmas I should have gotten 78 cards! Though I feel like that might be excessive and also I would have a hard time coming up with things to write in the last few days.
Out of all the cards day 5 and day 10 are my favorite. They point out the things I do that I don’t really think about on a day to day basis.
Day 5 pointed out how I get a pure look of joy in my eyes from something as simple as wrapping presents. I have always loved wrapping presents. I love giving them. However, this might be the first time that anyone else has ever noticed how much I love wrapping presents. I love that she notices the things that others don’t.
Day 10 was about how I do my best to make things perfect for my children. “Fixing the mistakes you did not make so that they don’t see the truth.” Tomorrow there will be a post about the mistake I had to fix. I want to do my best to keep them from seeing the bad truths in their lives. I know that sooner or later they will see that some of the things daddy does or doesn’t do are not right. But for now I want them to be happy. Sometimes that means taking a blow I do not necessarily deserve. Sometimes that means standing in a good awful customer service line to return something(s) meant for one child so the other child doesn’t feel forgotten.
For most of my life I have felt like the person who goes unnoticed. In my mind I do not stand out in a crowd and I am nothing special. But 12 Days of Cards helps to change that.