Enough or Not Enough

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. My first Mother’s Day as a single mom. For over a month now I have been separated from my husband. A week ago I had to file for a PFA(protection from abuse).

So I had my beautiful little boys all week and weekend. Yesterday was hard! For some many reasons. There wasn’t someone there to let me sleep in. No one to make me breakfast. No one to wrangle the little monkeys. Just me.

The repeating thought of the day was “I am not enough. How am I suppose to do this?” So I called my mom and she told me that “I have basically been doing this alone for a while. The only difference now you’re alone in a different house.” She is right.

But still there were moments when I felt myself crying. When I couldn’t lift a bag of trash because it was to heavy. When the littlest wouldn’t sit still for the movie we went to. When I just wanted to finish peeing and the little one tried escaping the stall. The thought kept happening “I am not enough for this.”

So I have to try telling myself “you are more than enough. You are brave and strong. You can do this.”

I am scared. 8yrs of marriage. 2 children. A life that has left me sad, lonely, and broken. I am starting over, and I am scared. But I can be enough. It is ok to cry. But I can be enough.

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Psych Eval

Tomorrow I take my 4yr old for a psych Eval. It’s not a place that I ever thought I would find myself at. However, his behavior has become harder to deal with. I feel myself reaching the end of my rope more and more. We tried a child psychologist, but it didn’t work. She didn’t offer me ways to cope with his behaviors. Instead she couldn’t let go of his small speech impediment(he days D’s for F’s, Frog= Drog).

Am I a shitty mom? Is something wrong with him? Why is he so angry? Why is he so mean?

He has moments of greatness. Moments when I see he is kind and loving.  Then there are the dark moments, when I feel like my little boy is gone.

So wish me luck and send me your positive juju.

Oh I Forgot

I forgot to write about it. I wrote about the untimely demise of Rooney but I forgot the cat.

A couple months after the dog died one of our cats died. Something was wrong with his liver and we were unable to afford the care. Even if we could afford the care there was no guarantee he would fully recover. So sadly I had to have him put to sleep.

For my birthday in 2012 we went out bowling and drinking. After we were done there I wanted to go do Karaoke. My husband however did not. So we went home. I was drunk…. SOOOO DRUNK! On the drive I jokingly said “wouldn’t it be funny if I found a cat?!” So we get home and pull into our parking spot. Looking put the window I see something that looks funny. It was across the street and it was dark. I ask my husband “is that a cat?” He says “I don’t think so.” Well when we get out of the car my drunk ass starts saying “here kitty kitty.” It’s moves and my I hear my husband cursing to himself. One more “here kitty kitty” and he came running right to me.

I hadn’t planned on keeping him. He was the first cat I’ve caught. I’m sure he won’t be the last. I normally take them to the local no kill. We have cats already and introducing more can be hard. But he was friendly and… he had extra thumbs on his front paws. My husband protested and said something like “we should’ve just gone to karaoke.” But in the end agreed as long as we could call him Digit.

He was a good cat even if he was an asshole at times. He thought he was the shit because of those extra toes!

Life Has Been Crap

On September 28th my children and I were in a car accident. Our car was totalled but the boys were fine. I however, suffered a pretty nasty broken foot. My left foot suffered a Lisfranc fracture. It required surgery and I haven’t been able to work.

Right now I’m almost done with my cast. I’ll probably have to use a walking cast. Honesty anything is better than now.

At first it wasn’t bad. The babysitter was around to help and my husband was sweet an caring. The boys and I moved in with my father in law, ahead of schedule, because his home is one floor.

Then about a month in I had to fire the babysitter because she went bat shit crazy. My husband didn’t get me anything for our anniversary or take me anywhere. And slowly his sweet and caringness slipped away.

So for the past couple months I have been caring for our two children without help. I am trying my best to keep the house decent, clean clothing, and keep the kids alive. But all that shits hard with a broken foot!! I’ve gotta use crutches so I can barely carry stuff in my hands! I have to hope my tiny humans are willing to help.

 I love my boys but they are monsters! They have their moments of awesomeness but their moments of awfulness make the awesome moments fade to the background. My 4yo is the hardest to deal with, so much so that we are seeking professional help.

All of these things have started to weigh on my mental state. I find myself falling into self loathing and hate. I want to hurt myself and at times wish I was dead. I am so tired.

My husband doesn’t seem to fully get my current stuggle or how he is causing parts of it. His lack of acknowledgement (other than Facebook) our anniversary is weigh on me heavily. I squirreled away some money to get him something. Why didn’t he do the same? Was/Am I not worth it? Why doesn’t he plan anything anymore?

I feel unwanted, unloved, unappreciated and tired. Oh so tired.

Death is Funny

Death is not a haha kind of funny, at least not most of the time. I am not a firm believer in God or heaven. I believe in the possibility of God and heaven but also know that it might not be real. I operate my life with the belief that I should do my best to be a good person. Then if there is a God and Heaven hopefully I’m covered! If there isn’t then at least I wouldn’t have been an asshole my whole life.

What makes death funny(for me) is how we explain it to our children. There are no if ands or buts about it, there is a God and there is a heaven. I push away any doubt I may have so that my son is less scared of those around him dying. Pets or people, there is a heaven. 

Today my little boys Noni died, my mother in law. It was sudden and she went in her sleep.

While the youngest, almost 2, is to young to understand the oldest is not. I had to tell my almost 4yr old that a woman he loved and adored died.

For him there is a story of heaven. For him God said to his Noni “Noni it is time for you to not hurt anymore. It is time for your soul to come to heaven. Your knees and legs won’t hurt and all your aches and pains will be gone.”

So God tool her soul and left her body. Because on heaven you don’t need your body anymore and God knows that people who loved her still need to say goodbye.

He wiped my eyes and said “no more crying mama.”

A Splinter, Oh The Humanity

Last night while peeing outside, you didn’t misread, 3yo got a splinter in his foot. His performance was Oscar worthy!

First let’s address the peeing because that’s really where it all started. The first time he did it I wasn’t sure what he was up to. He was on the back porch, playing in his sandbox, while I was right inside the door making dinner. When I peek out I see him on the bottom step. Thinking he is going into the yard the following convo happens:

Me: “Cam you’re not wearing shoes, you can’t go in the yard.”
3yo: “I’m not going in the yard mama. I’m peeing.”
Me: *sighing* “Fine just pull up your pants when you finish.”

You might ask why he is peeing in the yard instead of inside. My answer, because then he isn’t running in and out a million times. Letting bugs in and cool air out. Also he has a penis so he can point, aim, and normally not pee on himself. What I ask? Why do I have to remind him to pull his pants back up? It’s not something easily forgotten!!

Then he peed outside a 2nd time and the world ended… almost. He got a big splinter in his foot and the tears flowed. I wish I had thought to video tape it sooner! It was one of those moments were you feel bad but want to laugh at the same time. He kind of rambled while crying and saying mama a bunch. It went something like “mama I need you to carry me. Mama get it out mama. It hurts mama, don’t touch it. Get it out.” Over and over!

Even today the dramatics are continuing.  He refuses to walk on it flat. He will ask me to look and get the rest out but them he starts screaming not to touch it!

I truly wish I had a better video!

What Comes After?

During the week I assist a young man in his daily life. During our 2yrs working together we have had plenty of interesting converstions. Some of these conversations include penguin mating habits, cultural differences, dancing tellytubbies, and on several occasions death.

Today’s conversation was about human possession(by ghost/demons), and subsequently ghost and if the exist.

First possession. I don’t know. That’s all I’ve got. I guess it’s possible, but highly unlikely.

Now for the deep thinking! I do believe in ghost. I believe it’s possible for our souls to become stuck.

Theory 1: if there is a heaven souls become stuck because of unfinished business.

Theory 2: if there is no heaven souls become stuck because they are unwilling to accept that they will just fade into the oblivion.

I do not know if there is a heaven and I don’t fear death. I’m of the belief that if you try your best to be a good person then it doesn’t matter what comes after.  The young man I help, hates the idea that this is it. He fears the idea of oblivion. His thought is “then why does it matter that we even lived?” For me it always comes back to just living life. The people around you will remember you. Your life will affect others, for good or bad. Then their lives will affect others, and so on, and so on.

We do not see it. We don’t always feel it. But you should always know that your molding the world around you. Even after death we shape lives. Marathons are run in people’s honor, foundations and scholarships are created, trees are planted. Your life can still continue on.