A Confession

Over the weekend Donna and I went to the toy store to look for ideas for the boys. She still needed to get them something and I wasn’t sure if I was finished shopping. We hit the jackpot! All the Skylanders(except Imaginators) were on clearance. An buy clearance I mean ALL the figures were 50 cents each! An the starter sets were $1.98. We decided that since Cam has a new interest in video games that we would get them. So we got three starter sets, two for the boys and one for us. The one we got them is a racing one. The one we got ourselves is called Swap Force.

So we went home, got a little intoxicated, and played ours. The more intoxicated we got the better it was. It was the most fun I have had in a while playing video games.

And during this time while laughing hysterically at something in the game, I turned to Donna and told her that I wanted to marry her and spend every weekend doing fun shit with her. It was the most sincere thing I have ever said to anyone.

She is what has been missing in my life and right now I can’t imagine spending the rest of my days with someone else. She laughs at the things I say and jokes I make. She pulls me back down and away from the edge when I start to lose control. She hugs me and kisses me when I need it the most. I’m not worried about keeping my weird thoughts in or things that I think are funny in, because she doesn’t give me that look like I’m crazy.

She has been giving me Christmas cards. It was suppose to be one a day but she got a little behind because of the trip. It is sweet and amazing! I use to keep all the cards people had given me or the boys. Recently I threw out a bunch. Mainly the ones from my bridal shower and wedding. I think I will have to get a new box so I can start saving them again. I love cards and I love getting mail (even if it’s not for me).


From our tripGroup pic


I Fucking Love Build-A-Bear

So in my previous post I gave a run down of our trip. All but this part. Mainly because I find it funny and worthy of it’s own post.

As I stated at the end of the last post Avery had been pretty crazy the whole trip. Not listening, running off, refusing to eat foods he had asked for, and so on.

For the most part Cameron was great.

Upon pickup from KidsQuest we learned that Avery called one of the workers a bad name. Tickle Ass.

So Donna said “well maybe we just shouldn’t go to build-a-bear since you two have had a hard time behaving.” Then gave the speech of why bad children shouldn’t get things. So Cameron is crying and Avery doesn’t give a shit. An most of all I am PISSED! I wanted to go to build-a-bear damn it! So she tells them they need to come up with a good reason why she should take them.

We take them out to the car, buckle them in, and I go to throw away trash. Cam is still crying and I am still fuming!

I get back in the car, look at Donna and I start my rant which goes somewhat as follows:

“Now you listen here! Cameron has been pretty damn good this whole trip. It’s this one *points to Avery* that has been awful. It is not fair to Cameron or I to not go to build-a-bear! ……”

*she interrupts and she nods her head towards her phone. She already had the directions pulled up*

*I continue the rant* “So we are going to build-a-bear! Cameron and I will get our bears and Avery can sit an watch! Maybe he will learn his lesson!”

I had been really really looking forward to go and wanted to make my own stuffed animal. So Cam got Spider Bear and I got a Panda!

Our Family Adventure

Our Family Adventure

Thursday and Friday we took our trip to Bethlehem, PA! For the most part it went relatively well. Avery, 3yrs old, was his awful self. He didn’t listen, he ran off while walking, said a couple bad words, and so on. Cameron was REALLY good though so that balanced it out.

Donna did all of the planning for the trip which is amazing, I just packed the boys stuff. During my marriage if we ever did something it was me who did all the planning, packing, and stressing. An then something would happen during the trip and my husband would be grumpy and kill all the fun.

We stopped at the Outlets on our way down because I mentioned wanting to stop by Coach(even though I can’t afford one). She humored me and we stopped. She didn’t complain or grumble. In fact she took Avery upstairs, while Cameron decided to stay with me.

Then when we finally made our way to the hotel(Sands Bethlehem) and got settled into our room we took the boys for a walk. Our plan was to show them the KidsQuest Center and hope they wanted to stay and play. Sure enough when we showed them where they could play the were beyond excited. They were so excited they didn’t even wave goodbye to us. This gave us and hour of child free time to go look at the stores and even gamble a little.

After picking them up, we stopped at Carlos Bakery and picked out cupcakes for snacks. We went to our room and changed for swimming. After swimming they got to eat their cupcake, watch Scooby and then go to bed.

Friday we checked out and then headed to the Christmas Market. It is significantly larger than the Christmas Market they have in Scranton. We did lots of walking, looking and a little bit of buying. I think that the favorite parts for the boys include the ice sculpting, the gingerbread houses, and a glass blowing demonstration. Avery sat himself on a bench and watched the ice sculptor for at least 5 minutes!

After the Christmas market we took them back to the hotel so they could play at KidsQuest one last time. When we signed up for the casino loyalty card we got a free hour for each child. Since we don’t know when we will be back we wanted to use it.

After KidsQuest is when things got kind of tense. As mentioned above Avery’s behavior was not the best. But I’ll post about that another time.

Off the Meds

Soo… I sort of went off my meds.

It wasn’t really intentional. I just have a horrible memory. So once I forget to take them one or two times then I end up forgetting more and more. Then if one runs out I’ll call it in and then forget to go get it. So I’ve been taking like one of them. When I really need to take them all.

So for the past monthish I have been inconsistent and it has turned me into a bitch. I have them now so I just have to remember to take them.

Take your meds folks so you don’t turn into an asshole!

Jerks or Gentlemen?

Yesterdays post was a bit of a downer. So today I want to give you some of the positives.

Yesterday NEIU came out to Cameron’s school to give him his speech and cognitive evaluation. For as long as I can remember Cam’s speech has been off. Nothing really bad like not talking or knowing words. Just he can’t pronounce some letters and sometimes the speech gets slurred together(like he talks faster than he can process it). Good news is that he will most likely qualify for speech help. Also good, he tested out of the cognitive test, above 6-7yrs old, meaning he needs no assistance in that area. He is 5. While he will need help learning to pronounce some things they were very impressed with his overall language skills and vocabulary. It was a proud momma moment!

There are moments when I am sad that I had to move Cameron from his fancy preschool/daycare to Head Start. Then there are other moments when I am glad the change happened. Yes it means that we are financially poor. BUT he gets more from Head Start than he ever did at the fancy school. They make coloring books for the children to take home and do their letters, they sign him up for the Angels program so he will get a couple presents, they gave him a set of hats and mittens, they gave us food for Thanksgiving, and he was able to have the evaluation yesterday. All of these things create possibilities that he wouldn’t have otherwise or help solve a problem I don’t know how to handle.

Cameron donated a toy to Toys for Tots! For a couple months now Donna has been paying Cam an allowance. If he does certain choirs he gets paid a certain amount based on the job. So I told Cam that we were going to take part of what he had earned and we were going to pick a toy out to donate. But it couldn’t be just any toy. It had to be a toy that HE would like to get for Christmas and then he couldn’t keep it. I told him I only wanted him to spend $10 of what he has earned. If he wanted to spend more he could but I wasn’t going to ask him to. So we went to the store and he picked out not one but TWO Grossery Gang toys. Which came close to $20. When I told him that they were going to cost more than the $10 and it would mean he would have less left he was fine with it. I cried. Not going to lie I’m crying just writing about it! Then I picked a toy. We paid for our toys and I took a picture so he could show his daddy and Donna what he picked to give “to another kid.” Sadly when I took the picture I accidently put the 3rd toy to close and it covered his two he had picked. But the look of joy on his face says enough.

Also prior to Thanksgiving I did some thrifty grocery shopping and was able to donate several boxes of food to our local soup kitchen. This year I brought Cameron with me and told him the importance of helping others. Like I said in my post yesterday “It is important to help others. Because some day you might need help.” It is something that I have done since we bought our home in 2008. I do my best to shop BOGO deals or 10 for $10 deals. Or the deals were you get a free turkey for spending over a certain amount. Last year I wasn’t able to do it because of my broken foot. This year I was worried because our food budget is based on our food stamps. But I spent a day, without kids, planning it out and shopping for the deals. Then after I picked Cam up from school we went and gave the food to the soup kitchen. I got him out of the car and had him help me load it onto the cart they brought out.

Next year Avery will be old enough to understand and we will involve him in these things as well.

Whenever they are misbehaving I ask them if they want to grow up to be jerks or if they want to be Gentlemen? The answer is normally Gentlemen. I want to raise them to be kind and giving. Even when it’s hard. Even when money is tight. I also want them to know that it is ok to ask for help. Prior to the separation I didn’t ask for help often. I shouldered most of life on my own. Now I need help. So now I ask for it and I let them see me ask for it.

Ups and Downs of SingleMomhood

That’s probably not a word.

Yesterday was a roller coaster day. Not the fun kind of roller coaster. The emotional kind. Things were good, then shit, then great, then downhill. I actually told my girlfriend I was done with the day and laid down early. Thankfully I had her and my mom.

My hours have been low this week and it has me stressed. Especially with the holiday coming up.

Last night’s breaking point was my oldest throwing his dinner away when I wasn’t looking. Then he told me that he had eaten it. It hurt my heart. I want him to understand that you don’t throw away food. I want him to understand why you don’t throw it away. So we told him it’s important to eat what he gets. We told him that some of his friends might not get to eat when they go home. We told him that lots of people don’t get to eat three meals. Or they don’t know when they will get their next meal.

I tell him we help others when we can, because one day we might need help. He doesn’t really know that we get help now.

I don’t tell him that we get food stamps and we eat because of thrifty shopping. I don’t tell him I scrimped for the few presents I’ve managed to buy. I don’t tell him that hopefully he gets some presents from the “Angels” That he wanted. I don’t tell him we are behind on the mortgage and my car payment was late.

He is 5 and he won’t understand. He won’t understand that mommy is crying because today she feels like she is failing. I try so hard but sometimes I don’t feel like it is enough.


Thanksgiving and Christmas will be the first major holidays since the separation. I’m not overly sure how I feel about the whole thing.

Thanksgiving went rather well. Donna, my mother and I did it on Wednesday with the boys. Donna did a couple things prior so it wouldn’t be such a rush the day of. Because of this we were able to take the boys for pictures.

It had been forever since I last had pictures taken of the two of them. If it weren’t for Cameron I probably would have put it off for a while. However, I asked him what he wanted to get daddy and PopPop for Christmas. He told me pictures. So we picked out outfits the week before and did pictures on Wednesday.

While the pictures printed we went and got pizza.

I try to fill their lives with experiences. Not just stuff. I feel like that’s how I have always been. They remember the experience more than the toys. They ask to go to the pumpkin farm again, or to see the chickens at Donna’s dad’s house, or to ride the train.

They often lose interest in the toys they have. The exception to this rule are toys that help create a memory. Like when we built a super tall tower with the magna tiles an then ran a toy truck through it!

As Christmas approaches I am worried. I’m worried that it won’t live up to their expectations. I have struggled with what to get them. There father buys them almost anything they want when they are with him. So in the end not much is left for me to give. On top of that money is tight. It is always tight these days.

Over the past two weeks I have been lucky enough to score several amazing deals on Amazon. So each of the boys with get three(ish) things from me. This year we are also fortunate enough to be in the local “Angel” program. At least I believe that’s what it’s called. They will bring a couple more presents and help fill what I can’t provide. Because of this Santa will be able to bring the toys the boys have asked for.

I am grateful beyond words for the Angel or Angels that will help make my children’s Christmas special.

As an early present to the boys and I, Donna is taking us on a trip to Bethlehem, PA. We will be staying at the casino hotel and visiting the Christmas village in Bethlehem. I hope that it’s something they love and remember.