Once Family Always Family

Yesterday while out with a client and his mother, I ran into two of my husband’s Aunts. I was scared. It was the first time seeing any of his family since the separation over a year ago.

After I started dating Donna I unfriended A LOT of people. I was worried that people would relay information to him. I was worried that people would judge me. I was worried that people would hate me.

Also, I just sort of figured that when a split or divorce happens family picks family.

As Donna will tell you my understanding of family dynamics, or people in general, isn’t really great.

They told me they missed me. They loved me and once family always family. They said they were hurt when I unfriended them but they understood.

My life today is vastly different than it was a year ago. And it is still changing.

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Pretty Princess

Pretty Princess

Over the weekend, while the boys were away, we went to Toys R Us. Their sales have been improving so we figured we would go to the one near Donna’s mom.

While there we were able to find a princess dress the lights up and plays music. We also got a matching tiara, shoes, and earring set.

Tonight when we got them home we pulled it out to suprise them. Avery yell that it was “BEAUTIFUL!” And Cam asked if he could wear the earring.

Upon putting on the dress Avery told us “I’m a pretty princess!” The joy on his face makes my heart want to burst. I want to buy every singing dress I can find! He can be a pretty princess every day if he wants.

He is a child of many interest and I never want to stop him from being himself. I feel like tomorrow he will be asking me to ride his spiderman bike in his new dress.

Here Comes The Tooth Fairy!

Here Comes The Tooth Fairy!

Holy crap guys!! Cam lost his first tooth tonight! We have been working on the sucker for quite some time. We have been “pulling” it with pliers, he have been “punching*” him in the face and doing the regular things like wiggling it and pulling on it.

But tonight was finally the night. I pushed it a little one way and heard/felt the little pop. When I told him it was time to pull it he had a minor meltdown. However, when I stuck the tissue in and yanked he didn’t even seem to notice it had come out. It wasn’t till he felt with his tongue that he realized. Then he sat on the sink for a good five minutes staring at his mouth.

Needless to say the Tooth Fairy was very excited! She got some hit pink paper, wrote a not in glitter gold pen and covered that shit with glitter!!!

*we don’t actually punch him in the face. It’s all pretend.

Divorce Lawyer

Short an sweet today.

So my name finally came up on the list for a lawyer through the Womens Resource Center. Which means that should the agree to take me on I won’t have to worry about the cost. That will be a huge relief.

So I had my first meeting yesterday and should hear back by the end of the day if they can represent me. I didn’t leave the office crying. So woohoo for that!

Inner Dialogue

Be warned that what follows is something that may not make much sense at this point in time. I will edit in the morning and suggestions or questions are welcome.

So many times there will be a running monologue in my mind. Or in my brain what I want to write is being typed out as I think it. Then I back track and rewrite or even erase things.

Then come morning time those things are gone. Everything I “wrote” the night before is gone. So this is sort of one of those things.

I live in constant fear of saying the wrong thing. Doing the wrong thing. Not saying enough. Not doing enough. Or at times the opposite. What if I do to much or say to much?

I am saying the things I think or feel. In hopes that it will be received with understanding. When it’s not met with understanding: but instead an arguement, anger, or whatever else… I lose track of where things were going. Because inevitably the conversation begins to branch out. Soon it gets to the point where I don’t even remember the beginning of it all. I don’t even remember the root of all the problems that are suddenly occurring.

Sometimes I feel like what I say is turned into something else and then it is used against me. I know it’s perception. I know it happens. I’m sure I do it. But for whatever reason when it happens to me it’s super personal. And as I try to correct the statements they just get more fucked up.

Tonight was one of those nights. It lead to my wanting to harm myself and getting very close to the ledge of doing so.

I know tomorrow will probably be better.

Not Picking my Kids Up Early on Mother’s Day

Showing that he knows nothing about me my husband kept asking me if I wanted the kids early for today.

No. The answer is no!

All I ever asked for when we were together was to sleep in for this one day and maintain a low noise volume. So no I don’t want to pick them up super early, take them to a play that he couldn’t get tickets to for last night, and listen to the two tiny heathens bicker the whole time.

I love them. But I spend every single day with them. Weekends are my only “free” time. I’m fine with picking them up around 5 and taking them out to dinner.

While I can acknowledge that he is attempting to make a nice gesture. It also shows that he never really listened to me.