Heartbreak of a New Kind

Today I looked at my father’s online obituary. There was a tribute video and I watched it. It was full of his life. Old and new. I was in it. He had pictures of me still. He had a picture of Cam and I.

It made me cry. Perhaps he did care. I just wish he had shown it. Now it’s to late and my heart hurts.

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Shitty Week

This week has been pretty shitty.

My dad committed suicide on Sept 10th. For those of you who may not know the 10th was National Suicide Prevention Day. I feel as though it may have been his last jab at the people around him. However, I will never know. Prior to killing himself he messaged my brother to tell him he loved him. He didn’t send anything to me. While we were only Facebook friends and our communication was sparse, it still feels like a final slap in the face. The final “You aren’t good enough.”

Then Brit messaged me that evening or Monday to offer her condolences. When she knew very well that I hadn’t spoken to the man is years and that he was a shitty father.

Then Wednesday my girlfriend’s ex fiancĂ© died tragically in a car accident. I have never considered myself to be good at comforting other people.

Then Friday Brit’s girlfriend, Ashley, request to add me on messenger. I accept and ask why she added me. Meanwhile I also message Brit to be like “What the fuck?! An also leave me alone.” I know I am a paranoid individual to some degree, but at this point my brain is out to get me. I’m wondering if this is some weird twisted poke at me. I’m also wondering what Ashley knows. Or has Brit told her some weird twisted lie?

So Ashley if you are reading this:

1) you deserve better than Brit, she said some very nasty shit

2) Until Recently I did have the whole conversation and some very interesting screenshots saved

3) We had sex several times and it isn’t the first time she has cheated on you

 

In conclusion Its been a crappy crappy week and its driving me crazy

Shock to the System

About 20 minutes ago I received a call from my brother.

Our father shot and killed himself this morning. Apparently he and his wife, not my mom, had been having marital issues and were splitting.

My father and I were not close. In fact he was a physically and mentally abusive father. We were friends on Facebook but he didn’t comment on things or like things. I didn’t comment or like things of his either. If he was like me he sat and silently looked. Never saying anything, to many years of anger and hurt.

Right now I am not sad. It is more of a shock. This weird numbing shock that I can’t explain. I don’t know if I will cry because he is gone. Even if I can’t cry; I can acknowledge that it is sad that he took his life. I know the people he was close to will be hurting and for them I am sorry that suicide was his answer.

Dear Husband

I doubt my husband will ever actually read this. I don’t think he even knows I write. It’s hard to know if he ever actually saw me or if it was all an elaborate lie. These are all the things I have said or wished I could say.

Dear Husband,

We have been separated for over 5 months now. I know you tell people you didn’t see it coming. You tell them I suddenly left and you don’t know why. That’s not true. Then again maybe you have told yourself that so much, that you actually believe it.

After our first was born you changed. It wasn’t a change for the better. Sometimes I wonder if you actually changed or if you just started to show who you really were. You became more angry and sullen. You stopped talking to me. You stopped touching me. You stopped being the person I thought I had fallen in love with.

No matter what I said or did nothing changed. You did not get better or do better, even when you said you would. So we went to a couples therapist. It would work for a little bit but it never lasted. You said what needed to be said and would act differently, but for short spans of time.

I tried to survive on the moments of happiness and the tiny gestures of love. Gradually those too stopped and I slowly starved. I starved from lack of love, lack of touch, lack of human connection. I felt so alone. I felt like I was drowning. Slowly but surely I was dying.

I tried telling you we should go back to therapy. You told me we were fine. I asked if we could try going to a different type of church and you said no. I didn’t want to just be fine. I wanted to be alive. My asking to go to a different kind of church should have been a ringing alarm. I have never been the type to need God to get me through. Yet there I was asking if we could please go to a different church and you turned me down. You turned me down in so many ways. I felt unwanted and invisible.

It was five years of me trying and you fake trying. Then when I was ready to leave you wanted to try. But it was to late. I had tried and now I just wanted to stop. It’s tiring, being the only one who tries.

When I left you showed me the kind of man you really are. At first I had a little hope that maybe we could work it out. But you squashed that hope. You harassed me and said awful things. It was a constant barrage of hatred. Once you started you couldn’t stop and it ate away at my hope. And on several occasions it took away my desire to live.

I will not be a welcome mat. I will not be walked on. I will not be talked down to. I will not let you get away with hurting me. I will not let you break me.

It will be hard for you to understand how I can move on so quickly. But that’s what I am doing. It’s easier than I thought it would be. I think that it’s because I realized I’m gay. I spent most of my life thinking I was bisexual. Turns out I just dated men and ended up marrying one because it was easier. For one it was what society expects. You grow up, you get married, and you have children. Second men are easier than women. Women are complicated!

I know people will have a difficult time grasping that I am a lesbian. I’m having a hard time with it and it’s my life! People will say “oh that’s not possible. You married a man and had children.” But it doesn’t change that I am happier now than I have ever really been.

Sincerely,

Your Invisible Wife

Rising to the Surface

I haven’t written in a couple months. Honestly, there was just to much. To much shit to wade through. But also good stuff. When the good stuff was going on I tried to live in that moment. There was no telling when another moment would be as great. Or more concerning, when shit would hit the fan again. An believe me, it hit the fan a bunch!

Just recently I have begun to feel that my life is settling into a new normal. For that I am glad. My mom has moved in with me and my children. My girlfriend is around quite often. Both of them help me with the boys. They help me follow through with disciplining them, they help me establish rules, and they don’t undermine me. Most of all when I need to step away they are there willing to step in.

Donna(the girlfriend) is an amazing woman. More than she knows.

I am healing and growing. Some days are harder. Some days I want to cry. Other days I am angry. But I am closer to happiness than I have ever been. I am finding who I am and what makes me happy.

Kissing Girls

On the advice of friends, I am going to go on some dates. I am going to go out, have some drinks, dance with other women, and I am going to have fun. I will push the heartbreak down and I will try to forget it. Temporary relief is better than nothing.

I know that the next day it will still hurt. My Heart will still be broken. I will still feel betrayed. My friends will tell me that I am enough and she is stupid. I will pretend to believe them, but I don’t and probably won’t.

When Happiness Becomes Heartbreak

The last month has been amazing. I felt a happiness that I had never felt before. I loved a girl and she told me she loved me. When she touched me I felt a fire in my body, one that I thought was long gone. When she looked at me and talked to me, I felt like I mattered.

Now I feel like I was lied to and my heart feels like it will fall out of my chest. I shouldn’t have put myself out there so soon.

I am the things her girlfriend is not. But that is not enough. I am once again not enough.