On the advice of friends, I am going to go on some dates. I am going to go out, have some drinks, dance with other women, and I am going to have fun. I will push the heartbreak down and I will try to forget it. Temporary relief is better than nothing.
I know that the next day it will still hurt. My Heart will still be broken. I will still feel betrayed. My friends will tell me that I am enough and she is stupid. I will pretend to believe them, but I don’t and probably won’t.
The last month has been amazing. I felt a happiness that I had never felt before. I loved a girl and she told me she loved me. When she touched me I felt a fire in my body, one that I thought was long gone. When she looked at me and talked to me, I felt like I mattered.
Now I feel like I was lied to and my heart feels like it will fall out of my chest. I shouldn’t have put myself out there so soon.
I am the things her girlfriend is not. But that is not enough. I am once again not enough.
Yesterday was Mother’s Day. My first Mother’s Day as a single mom. For over a month now I have been separated from my husband. A week ago I had to file for a PFA(protection from abuse).
So I had my beautiful little boys all week and weekend. Yesterday was hard! For some many reasons. There wasn’t someone there to let me sleep in. No one to make me breakfast. No one to wrangle the little monkeys. Just me.
The repeating thought of the day was “I am not enough. How am I suppose to do this?” So I called my mom and she told me that “I have basically been doing this alone for a while. The only difference now you’re alone in a different house.” She is right.
But still there were moments when I felt myself crying. When I couldn’t lift a bag of trash because it was to heavy. When the littlest wouldn’t sit still for the movie we went to. When I just wanted to finish peeing and the little one tried escaping the stall. The thought kept happening “I am not enough for this.”
So I have to try telling myself “you are more than enough. You are brave and strong. You can do this.”
I am scared. 8yrs of marriage. 2 children. A life that has left me sad, lonely, and broken. I am starting over, and I am scared. But I can be enough. It is ok to cry. But I can be enough.