Life Has Been Crap

On September 28th my children and I were in a car accident. Our car was totalled but the boys were fine. I however, suffered a pretty nasty broken foot. My left foot suffered a Lisfranc fracture. It required surgery and I haven’t been able to work.

Right now I’m almost done with my cast. I’ll probably have to use a walking cast. Honesty anything is better than now.

At first it wasn’t bad. The babysitter was around to help and my husband was sweet an caring. The boys and I moved in with my father in law, ahead of schedule, because his home is one floor.

Then about a month in I had to fire the babysitter because she went bat shit crazy. My husband didn’t get me anything for our anniversary or take me anywhere. And slowly his sweet and caringness slipped away.

So for the past couple months I have been caring for our two children without help. I am trying my best to keep the house decent, clean clothing, and keep the kids alive. But all that shits hard with a broken foot!! I’ve gotta use crutches so I can barely carry stuff in my hands! I have to hope my tiny humans are willing to help.

 I love my boys but they are monsters! They have their moments of awesomeness but their moments of awfulness make the awesome moments fade to the background. My 4yo is the hardest to deal with, so much so that we are seeking professional help.

All of these things have started to weigh on my mental state. I find myself falling into self loathing and hate. I want to hurt myself and at times wish I was dead. I am so tired.

My husband doesn’t seem to fully get my current stuggle or how he is causing parts of it. His lack of acknowledgement (other than Facebook) our anniversary is weigh on me heavily. I squirreled away some money to get him something. Why didn’t he do the same? Was/Am I not worth it? Why doesn’t he plan anything anymore?

I feel unwanted, unloved, unappreciated and tired. Oh so tired.


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