I forgot to write about it. I wrote about the untimely demise of Rooney but I forgot the cat.
A couple months after the dog died one of our cats died. Something was wrong with his liver and we were unable to afford the care. Even if we could afford the care there was no guarantee he would fully recover. So sadly I had to have him put to sleep.
For my birthday in 2012 we went out bowling and drinking. After we were done there I wanted to go do Karaoke. My husband however did not. So we went home. I was drunk…. SOOOO DRUNK! On the drive I jokingly said “wouldn’t it be funny if I found a cat?!” So we get home and pull into our parking spot. Looking put the window I see something that looks funny. It was across the street and it was dark. I ask my husband “is that a cat?” He says “I don’t think so.” Well when we get out of the car my drunk ass starts saying “here kitty kitty.” It’s moves and my I hear my husband cursing to himself. One more “here kitty kitty” and he came running right to me.
I hadn’t planned on keeping him. He was the first cat I’ve caught. I’m sure he won’t be the last. I normally take them to the local no kill. We have cats already and introducing more can be hard. But he was friendly and… he had extra thumbs on his front paws. My husband protested and said something like “we should’ve just gone to karaoke.” But in the end agreed as long as we could call him Digit.
He was a good cat even if he was an asshole at times. He thought he was the shit because of those extra toes!
On September 28th my children and I were in a car accident. Our car was totalled but the boys were fine. I however, suffered a pretty nasty broken foot. My left foot suffered a Lisfranc fracture. It required surgery and I haven’t been able to work.
Right now I’m almost done with my cast. I’ll probably have to use a walking cast. Honesty anything is better than now.
At first it wasn’t bad. The babysitter was around to help and my husband was sweet an caring. The boys and I moved in with my father in law, ahead of schedule, because his home is one floor.
Then about a month in I had to fire the babysitter because she went bat shit crazy. My husband didn’t get me anything for our anniversary or take me anywhere. And slowly his sweet and caringness slipped away.
So for the past couple months I have been caring for our two children without help. I am trying my best to keep the house decent, clean clothing, and keep the kids alive. But all that shits hard with a broken foot!! I’ve gotta use crutches so I can barely carry stuff in my hands! I have to hope my tiny humans are willing to help.
I love my boys but they are monsters! They have their moments of awesomeness but their moments of awfulness make the awesome moments fade to the background. My 4yo is the hardest to deal with, so much so that we are seeking professional help.
All of these things have started to weigh on my mental state. I find myself falling into self loathing and hate. I want to hurt myself and at times wish I was dead. I am so tired.
My husband doesn’t seem to fully get my current stuggle or how he is causing parts of it. His lack of acknowledgement (other than Facebook) our anniversary is weigh on me heavily. I squirreled away some money to get him something. Why didn’t he do the same? Was/Am I not worth it? Why doesn’t he plan anything anymore?
I feel unwanted, unloved, unappreciated and tired. Oh so tired.