The Loss of a Family Member


Today our 8yr old English Bulldog died, his name was Rooney. Named after Wayne Rooney of Manchester United.

Most likely he died from a heat stroke. The babysitter says he wasn’t outside for more than 15minutes, but because of his type it’s possible. I don’t want an autopsy done, it’s money that we can’t afford. Also it won’t bring Rooney back.


Rooney was never an easy puppy, there was always some kind of problem. Which after purchasing him we found out the breeder was banned from the AKC. He had pneumonia for almost the first year of his life. We couldn’t crate train him because he would get so worked up he would vomit. Then he aspirated and would have pneumonia again. He had to have his cleft palate clipped and his nostrils widened. He was always pulling a leg muscle. His nose got this weird crusty scab on it that would not go away because he ALWAYS licked it! Sometimes behind his right ear he would get super itchy
… for NO REASON!!

But we loved him.


My husband is taking it very hard. Rooney was the first dog we had as a couple. I came into the relation with two dogs. But Rooney I bought for him. It was his dream dog, so I made it happen.

I had to explain to our one son, who is 3.5yrs old, that when we went home the dog wouldn’t be there. That like his former fish, Rooney had died. When the fish died Cam wouldn’t let us take them out of the tank. So we agreed, we said that God would come at night and take them. When Cam asked if he could see Rooney I told him no because God had already come and taken him away. He asked if he was at the Doctors, and I told him that God had come and taken him home.


For the most part Cam seems fine. He thinks we can just go get another “Rooney dog,” That’s how he identifies bulldogs. I have had to tell him a couple times that it doesn’t work that way. That mommy and daddy’s hearts are hurting and it has to get better first.


He was a good dog. He was funny and mostly gentle. He pretended to be stupid, but was pretty smart. He will be missed.


Ready, Set….

As much as I hate the saying, I’m going to use it.

I am having trouble pulling the trigger on the final steps of starting my business. I need to buy my insurance and I need to start writing proposal letters. The insurance I can sort of justify. I need to use a credit/debit card and I won’t have that from my bank for a week or two.

The other part, the letters, I’m just scared to do. I don’t know what to write or what to ask. What if they say no? What if this doesn’t pan out? Do I call them first, do I email, do I just send the damn letters?

There are other things I worry about. Once this gets off the ground my husband wants me to hire his sister. Who I don’t trust because she stole from me. He pushes and pushes some days. I actually had to tell him to back off because it felt like he was bullying me into it. I have other people I want to hire. People I trust and who need a job to help get by.

The other day I said I was doing this because I wanted to make more money, to pay off bills, and buy a bigger home.

However, there are bigger parts to the dream. The parts that’s are hard to put out there because I worry someone will laugh. I want a bigger home so we can have more children. Also because I want to foster and adopt.

I want my business to be able to grow and provide jobs to women in shelters or group homes. I want to eventually  move from the flee market to a store front, that preferably has apartments above so I can give my employees affordable housing.

I need to push past the fear.

Bank Account

Today I opened a business account! Talk about nerve racking. I mean obviously they aren’t going to say “NO! WE WON’T TAKE YOUR MONEY!” But still it’s the fact that I’m doing something new that scares me.

It took forever! I was told on the phone it would take like 20 minutes since I did most of it online. I was told I didn’t need the one paper since they could see it online. 2hrs later and it’s done!

Now I have to pay for insurance. What if I don’t get clients? How do I get clients?

I have so many fears about doing this. I worry that it will get overwhelming and that my mental illness will bring me down.

At the same time I’m ready to do something more. I want to make more money. I want to pay off bills and save some money. I want a bigger house that actually has a yard for my children.

I want to be more than my mental illness.