For Fucks Sake

Some context for the below post: a Facebook friend posted her outrage over Chrissy Teigen choosing which gender embryo to use during her IVF. There was the same discontent and several mentions of doing God’s job. Below is my response.

As someone who has to do fertility treatments to get pregnant, if we had to go all the way to IVF & they said “hey we have girl eggs & boy eggs which one do you want to try first?” I would pick a girl. I have two boys already.

Also those other eggs aren’t just tossed out. Should the ones she uses first not work they move on to the next ones. She has even said she plans on using one of those little boy embryos.

I really dislike the God argument. If there is a God it’s his job to judge. Not ours. If there is a God he has created all these people. With all these different gifts, talents, and ideas. He created the people who discovered fertility treatments, cancer treatments, surgeries, & tons upon tons of other stuff.

My favorite analogy is the one about a guy who’s boat was destroyed in a storm & he’s just floating there on a piece of wood. He prays “God please save me” then a while later a boat comes along & they try to save him. He says “no God will save me.” He keeps praying. Another boat comes along & he says the same thing. He prays, another boat comes & he says the same thing. After the 3rd boat he dies. He gets to heaven & he asks God “why didn’t you save me?” God says “I sent three boats & you told them no.”

God makes all these people to help others, to heal others, to care for others & so on. You just have to see it, take it, & use it.

She didn’t do IVF for shits & giggles. It is not an easy process. She did it because she wanted a baby & she needed help. So what if she picked a girl? She could have done much more than that. She could have picked eye color, hair color, possibly hair texture. But she didn’t.

Also tons of things could still go wrong with her pregnancy, delivery, or its whole life & the child could still have problems.

I’m going to say more now. People need to mind their own damn business. As long as the love their baby and do their best, you should just fuck off! There are so many awful people in this world. They do shitty things while pregnant and harm their babies before they are born. They do awful things afterwords and harm their children. I have cared for people who started out “perfect” little babies. But then someone hurt them. Someone beat them, or shook them, or God only knows what else.

So perhaps instead of focusing on someone picking a girl embryo, you should focus on real problems.

Guilt & Purpose

If you read my other post you will see that I suffer from depression. I also have general anxiety over everything a
& some social anxiety. There is also a peppering of other little issues. Over the years I have learned to cope or to hide these problems.

This isn’t really meant to tell you about all of those pieces of myself. This is meant to tell you how I am still alive. For over 16yrs I have lived with mental illness. It has pulled me down so many times & it is not always easy to pull myself back up.

I was maybe 15 or 16 when I first decided I was going to kill myself. I wanted to die but I didn’t want to die. I wanted someone to save me. To hold me & tell me that it would be ok. That they loved me. That they would take care of me.

I didn’t even get to take the pills. My brother pound on the bathroom door asking what I was doing. Guilt. I felt guilty because I was doing this to him.

Then he called my parents, they were out for an anniversary dinner. They came home. However, instead of doing the things I needed they told me I ruined their night. I was made to feel guilty for needing help. Then it wasn’t mentioned again. No one helped me, no one held me, no one told me they needed me. Everyone was to focused on themselves to see me.

Years passed until I finally got help on my own. They weren’t always easy but I survived.

Depression lies to you. It tells you you’re not good enough, no one wants you, you’re worthless, & all these other nasty things. Most of which aren’t true.

I never killed myself because of guilt. I didn’t want someone else to find my body, what if it was messy, what about the cost to take care of my mess, & all of these other things.

There is also purpose. I like the idea that people are connected. It is appealing to think about how our life changes or molds another person’s life.

We don’t have to do big grand deeds to effect other people. It could be as simple as giving someone a cup of coffee.

Because you gave a homeless person a cup of coffee & a bagel he/she was able to save the little money they managed to get. They save enough money to get a room for a night, a week, a month. They are warm, they are safe, they feel better. Maybe it leads further & they get a job. All from a cup of coffee & a bagel.

I am a pediatric home health aide. I help family’s care for their children with special needs. Intellectual or physical disabilities, I am there for anything.

I have a regular M-F client & a few who I help occasionally. However, it’s my M-F that gives me purpose. My company is short staffed almost all the time. So if I am not here, there is most likely no replacement. I love my client. He is like a brother & a best friend.

Because of me my client can go to college without his mother. His mother can do things at home, or out. She can take her other son to school, or appts, or to activities. I directly help one person, but he isn’t the only one who benefits.

I live not because I always want to be alive, but because I don’t want other people to suffer how I do. I want other people to feel happiness even when I can’t. I know what it feels like to feel like you are drowning. I know what it feels like to be alone with no one to hold you or help you.

So I think of the people I am with & how I help, change, or mold them, then I think of the people they are with, & I think of it expanding out. I think of the things I want to do, the people I want to help & the people who will be helped by who I helped.

Depression has lied to me. It will lie to me again. But I won’t believe it anymore. I will tell myself that I am changing someone’s life. I am making their life better.

The things we do shape those around us. Good or bad. Big or small.