So I posted about our cat Oreo and his attempted murder of Dory.
What I didn’t talk about was how his nose is pink with a black patch at the bottom of the T(I’ll put a picture at the end).
This patch makes it look like he has a Hitler stache.
One night while under the influence one night, Donna and I had a lengthy discussion about memorial pet paintings! The shit we talk about!
I told her we would never be able to get one of Oreo done because it would make us look like weird cat people who immortalized awful people in cat form.
We also had a goldfish at one point that had the same stache look going on.
I told my girlfriend that when I die everyone has to wear a furry costume to my will reading if they want my stuff.
Then when they all show up the lawyer will do his thing and at the end announce that I leave all my worldly possessions to Dan the Dog*.
Then everyone will be pissed off because I’m always saying “Fucking Dan!” Because he likes Donna more than me and never listens when I call him.
But if there is a heaven I’ll be sitting up there laughing my ass off at the idiots in the furry costumes!!
* Dan came with his name. He is 8 or 9yrs old. So changing it wasn’t an option. We we tell people about him we call him Dan the Dog or Dan the Doodle, so they don’t think we are referring to a person.
Today has been kind of difficult. It was a snow day. So kids stayed home. My period finally kicked in and now I’m tired an sore all over. On top of that I’m still having residual depression from the past couple days.
Yesterday I got a lovely phone call from a bank that the husband and I have a loan through. He has not been paying it! It is around 125 days late. If it is not paid on soon it will go to a magistrate and then a lien will be put against the house. I hate him. I have no clue how it is possible that he can’t afford to take care of that one loan! It was like $130 a month I think. I pay the mortgage which is nearly $650. He lives with his dad rent free, got a new car with a lower payment, doesn’t have to pay for child care, doesn’t have to pay for the food I put in the kids mouths. So: WHAT THE FUCK IS HE SPENDING HIS MONEY ON?!?!
The boys are being themselves. Which I’m note even sure what that means at this point!
Donna and I once again had the conversation about how I am the person that falls between the cracks. People tend not to notice me. Or they forget that I am there. If I try to participate in conversations I often end up being talked over. This is how I have spent most of my life. People stand me up for get togethers, they don’t invite me to get togethers, or I am only invited because they need something from me. Otherwise I am simply invisible. It is an awful feeling. I feel like I could disappear and most people would not notice.
She told me that I need to find my voice, that when I speak with passion people listen so I need to do that more often. Or something to that extent.
I just don’t know how to do that. I secretly hope to be included in things, that people will listen when I talk, that I can actually make friends of my own.
There are plenty of things that I would love to do or try. Plenty of things I still dream about doing. However, most of the time I feel like the time has passed for me to do those things.
So when I start to think of all these dreams I have never accomplished and may never accomplished it makes me so sad.
On a slightly related side note. I am in a mom group, a support group of sorts. Except it is very high schoolish. As in if you aren’t a “cool kid” no one gives a shit. So today I unfollowed the group. I can’t leave the group because when someone leaves the group they are like vultures. They talk shit and say mean things about the person. I won’t give them that.
Yesterday started fine. Then it sort of went to shit. While I wanted to talk about it yesterday I didn’t really know how or want to. What I wanted to do was crawl into my bed and cry.
My husband emailed. He has a way of ruining things!
The email started with how he was unable to find our sons shoes. The week before he sent our son home in his “Cars” slippers. Not the footwear I had sent him there in! Then he proceeded to tell me how he might need to look for a 2nd job to do every other weekend. Meaning he would only be able to take them every other weekend. He only has them on weekends now and he is going to cut back on those too?!
There are a million things I want to say to him but can’t. Like “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” But Donna prevents me from saying things I shouldn’t.
When they are away for the weekends I worry. While together my husband was greatly lacking in the parenting department. It remains true to this day. For the most part I keep the issues to myself. Meaning I don’t share publicly on here, my Facebook, or my mom group on Facebook. Donna knows and my mom knows.
I worry that he doesn’t want them. I worry that he doesn’t care about them or for them. When they come home on weekends I see the ways he is slacking and it makes me want to cry. He doesn’t make them brush their teeth, he rarely bathes them, they come home with bumps and bruises that they gave each other, they wear the same underwear all weekend, he cuts his time with them short, he has his sister take them overnight so he can do lord only knows what. And more. So much more. And every little thing breaks my heart a little more each time.
Do they see it like I see it? Do they feel that things are wrong but can’t express it? There have been some behavioral issues for the little one. Is it because of husband?
I made an appointment for them at a place for children’s mental health. But is that enough? Should I be doing more? I feel like I’m suppose to know what to do. I’ve always had good mommy intuition. But right now I feel like it is failing me. Do I go to court and cut down on his time? Do I see if they will do supervised visits?
Right now I feel broken and defeated. They seem relatively happy when they come home. However, they will start to see the things I try to protect them from. What do I do then?
A couple months ago I took the TOVA test and was diagnosed with ADD. The HD part wasn’t added in to my knowledge. However, it would not surprise me if I actually have ADHD. My medication covers both those diagnoses anyways so it doesn’t matter to much. I should also note that I do not take my ADD medication regularly. Something my girlfriend hollers at me for frequently!
Up until this point I often had trouble keeping thing straight. I would try telling a story of something that was happening in my life and the details would get kind of mixed up. Then I would be accused of making things up. Since I can’t seem to keep my facts straight I obviously must be lying! This has actually caused me great stress. I pride myself on being and honest person. So for people to doubt what I say really upsets me. Because of this I have pulled back from participating in certain groups that I am in. I have this fear engrained in my that no one will believe me. Or that they will just say I’m saying (or lying) I have ADD/ADHD when I don’t. I’m not. I took the test and have the results to show.
So below are the major symptoms. In bold are the ones I experience if not medicated.
Brought to you by The National Resource on ADHD*
ADHD predominantly inattentive presentation
Fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes
Has difficulty sustaining attention
Does not appear to listen
Struggles to follow through with instructions
Has difficulty with organization
Avoids or dislikes tasks requiring sustained mental effort
Is easily distracted
Is forgetful in daily activities
ADHD predominantly hyperactive-impulsive presentation
Fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in chair
Has difficulty remaining seated
Runs about or climbs excessively in children; extreme restlessness in adults
Difficulty engaging in activities quietly
Acts as if driven by a motor; adults will often feel inside as if they are driven by a motor
Blurts out answers before questions have been completed
Difficulty waiting or taking turns
Interrupts or intrudes upon others
SIDENOTE: Some of you may have noticed that a couple post are missing. They aren’t really missing I just made them private. They don’t really go with what has led me to this point in life
When I sleep I have very vivid dreams. I always have. Sometimes I remember them sometimes I don’t. If I don’t remember them I wake up with that feeling that I should know something but it is just out of reach.
If I do remember them they are generally really out there or fucked up. Like there was one time I had to shoot Ben Affleck because he was about to turn into a zombie!
Anyway… Last nights dream was about my sons “goldfish”* Dory.
Backstory: Dory currently lives on our dresser, in one of those big round glass fishbowls, because our cat Oreo tried to kill her. He pushed her little plastic cube tank off it’s stand and broke it. Somehow the fish lived, much to Cameron’s disappointment! We hooked an air filter up so she gets the oxygen she needs.
In the dream Dory keeps dying. The air filter somehow keeps wiggling loose and she stops getting oxygen. So her little fish body does that thing that dying fish do. You know what I’m talking about! The thing where as they die they slowly start to turn on their sides. Still trying to swim but not quite. So in the dream I keep plugging the air filter back in and she comes right back to full strength.
OVER, AND OVER, AND OVER AGAIN! Air filter comes loose, she starts dying, I plug the filter in, she springs back. I have no clue how many times this actually happened until I woke up.
She is still alive in reality.
*Dory is a carnie fish, she is white, and might be some kind of Koi
To preface this: I have two car seats. Every weekend I have to move both car seats to my father in laws car for custody exchange. Then I move them back to my car at pickup. If Donna needs to take them to school or pick them up we need to move them to her car. My littlest is close to outgrowing his current seat and I have no clue when my older’s car seat expires.
Last night we went to look at car seats at Babies R Us. Something that we have needed for a while but have been putting off because of money. They are not cheap! That is until last night.
Donna has been wanting to get car seats for her car. As luck would have it we found one that was out of box and marked down to almost $45, from $180. So we put it in the car. It was a great brand, great seat, at an unbeatable price. We looked at other seats thinking maybe we can swing the 2nd one for her car, it would elevate the stress of moving a car seat to her car should she need two. It would also mean that if I happen to be running late to work she could just take them to school or daycare. Right now we only have two, so both need to be moved. Then we would have four seats and no worries.
Not seeing any we really liked I asked a worker if more would be getting marked down. She said that she was actually doing more at that time and asked which one we might want. When I told her it would really depend on price. She again asked me which one I would want. I told her I’d love to have the Chicco Next Fit because it’s one of the best brands with the best ratings but I also knew that it would never come down to were we could afford it. It is a $300 dollar seat. So she typed it in to her machine an said it was in fact originally $299.99. Then she asked if $90.90 would work AND she marked the open box one down to $20 something. I wanted to kiss that woman. In addition to the mark down price’s there was an additional 15% off the total price. We walked away with two seats for around $100.
Later when I got home I sent my grandmother an email. In the email I asked her if it would be possible to use her credit card, my mom has one, to buy another one. She said sure. In my mind I set a limit of $150. So today I went and was able to buy not one but TWO car seats. They had one in a box on the floor for $90.90, another $300 one, and they the same one unboxed on the shelf. The one on the shelf was marked higher. I asked if they would be willing to bring it down to at least the same as the boxed one or maybe even a little lower, no box after all. They brought it down to $70. With the same discount from the night before it brought me in below $150!
Meaning that we have four new car seats and I can leave the two other ones with my husband! Which made me feel victorious in itself. I sent him an email telling him he could keep the seats he has but should look into new ones. It feels slightly powerful, not having to ask him to buy the new seats I needed. Even if I had to ask someone else for help, it wasn’t him.