This past month has been a little rough. I’ve been feeling down and also snappy. So while there are things I think about and want to write about I just never get around to them.
My 5yr old has begun to notice my ups and downs. Which he is taking remarkably well. He will ask me almost every day how I am feeling. Around the start of the month I explained to him that mommy suffers from some mental illnesses. That sometimes they make me sad, or mad, or cry more than I normally would. I explained that I take medicine to help me feel better but sometimes I still have bad days.
His ability to comprehend these types of things never ceases to amaze me. He has always been very good at noticing the feelings of those around him. It is not just feelings he will notice or be concerned about. But also the injustices that others face.
Example being his pediatrician. She had to leave the practice she had just moved to about a year ago. So when I explained to him that he would not longer be able to see her he wanted to know why. I explained to him that the other doctor she had been working with did something he shouldn’t have. Therefore she could not stay. He asked me why the other doctor didn’t leave if he was the one that was wrong? Why wasn’t the other doctor getting into trouble? So I explained to him that what the other doctor did wasn’t illegal. So no police could come and take him away or a judge couldn’t fix it. I told him that the best we could do was try to fix it a little bit ourselves. I told him that for now we will find a new doctor, and if his doctor starts to practice again we will go to her. I explained to him that by leaving the mean doctors office he wouldn’t get any more money from us. That other people who loved his doctor will also leave and then they won’t get there money. An if a friend ask for a doctor suggestion then I won’t recommend the mean doctor and he won’t get there money.
At the time when I explained it I couldn’t be sure if he fully understood. But several night later at dinner he told Donna all about it at dinner. He understands punishments, he understands money, and now he has a loose idea of social justice on a low level.
I love him! He is still an asshole sometimes! BUT his kindness and ability to care, when it means the most, is amazing.
A couple days ago I wanted to write about something funny I had done.
An then I lost the drive to do anything. All of the sudden I am moving in slow motion. Part of it steams from the fact that I met with a divorce lawyer and in doing so I suddenly felt overwhelmed. So ever since then I keep finding myself on the very of tears.
There are other things that get to me and make things seem even more overwhelming. The kids father took them to see a movie over the weekend. When the little one needed to pee he left 5yr old in the movie… it was opening day for the only children’s movie… on the weekend. But it’s ok because he asked a theater manager to watch him… at least twice. This bothers me so much I want to scream.
Then there is my mom. Which honestly is to much even try writing out at this moment.
So right now I feel like I am in a slow motion downward spiral into my depression.
So my possibly funny thing was that when I had the hand foot mouth I had a bit of a panic attack. I was having a hard time sleeping because normally I sleep with at least one hand under my face. But I was worried about touching my face because of the hand foot mouth. However, when you’re sleeping your body just does whatever it wants. Therefore my hands were going to end up touching my face. So I was panicking.
When I expressed my dilemma to Donna she suggested I wear socks on my hands. So for two or three days I wore socks on my hands to sleep.
Today I took both boys to a place that works with children and their mental health or special needs.
For Cameron my main concern has been that he is adjusting well to the separation and to deal with the issues that do occur… like when he starts pooping in the corner of the living room at his fathers.
For Avery the concern is that he is adjusting well, which I don’t think he is, AND my thought that he might have ADHD. Now that belief has been confirmed, he does indeed have ADHD.
Today we didn’t talk about how we will work on handling the ADHD. For each child it was almost and hour talking about them to each worker. Thankfully, Donna was there to watch them play or I would not have been able to give the attention needed.
We have another appointment for each child on Valentine’s day. Nothing says “I love you!” Like mental health appointments. <—- That’s like a half joke. I wish my parents had gotten me the mental health care I needed at a younger age.
Since Friday I have been sick. It is worth noting that when I first started to feel nauseas I took a Zofran because I assumed it was my viibryd making me sick. That did not make it go away and I threw up, at work, and wasn’t able to shake the chills from my body.
I meet my girlfriend and boys at the gas station where we do the custody exchange with my father in law. I had her bring the thermometer so I could check my temperature. Generally I am able to gauge if I have a fever. However, my body is so wracked with chills that I can’t tell! Fantastic! It was like 102.5. FANTASTIC!
We do the exchange and then go to the store. When really what I want to do is go home, lay in bed, and maybe DIE! I felt like absolute shit. But we need soup an other stuff to keep me living.
Get home and my fever is almost 104! Great! Just GREAT! I do as I’m told by my
overlord girlfriend and take some Tylenol or she will haul me off to the hospital so my organs don’t start to liquefy. Then I lay down and try to cover my body with as much blanket as I can to stop from feeling like I’m naked in the artic. The overlord girlfriend comes upstairs and ask if I’m still cold. I say yes. She then throws some under armor type of long johns at me and tells me to put them on. However, I protest…. because I’m apparently 5. Mainly it was because my body felt like it was protesting movement.
So my fever comes down some and I don’t have to go to the hospital an I try to sleep.
I was up off and on that whole night because apparently pedialyte makes you pee like you drank 50 gallons of water.
Then the next day low and behold I also have HAND, FOOT, AND MOUTH! Here I thought I just had the flu. NOPE! So I have these little blister like bumps on my hands and at least one on my foot. This I caught from the tiny tyrant Avery. Who had it this week.
So the tiny tyrant was “sick” most of the week. Then Cameron was sick with a fever and belly ache for like 24hrs.
I wanna know who the hell I wrong to have this shit show thrown my way?! I’m wearing fucking gloves right now just so I can get shit done and not infect the rest of the household!
It is almost the end of the month and I have almost 300 views! So if you are reading this I just want to thank you.
Writing here helps me feel like I have a voice and people are listening. It is difficult for me to feel like that in real life.
In real life my anxiety gets the better of me. In real life I become physically ill before having to go to a social gathering. In real life I stop talking when people start talking over me and I give up.
Here though I see that people are reading what I have to say. Even if I don’t get a comment, a like, or a follower; I know that you are seeing me.
So thank you for reading this month!
*This post will contain some talk of lesbian sex. Please go away if you don’t want to be offended.*
Prior to my girlfriend my sex life was not very adventurous. Now I need a lock box for all the sex toys.
I also would not have had the confidence to talk about it. However, if you’re hoping to get some dirty details about what happens in my bedroom this is not the post for you!
My marriage was pretty much sexless. On the rare occasion that it did happen it was very boring, vanilla, and I didn’t enjoy it.
Therapy has helped me see that I never really enjoyed being with men. I was simply going through the motions of what I thought was “normal.”
Also I was never with someone who asked me what I wanted. Or someone who encouraged me to speak my mind without putting me down.
Now my world is completely turned around. I’ve found someone who is a match on all levels and doesn’t push my thoughts or feelings to the side.
Not only has this relationship changed my sex life forever it has changed my life. I am more confident in the bedroom and out of it. I speak my mind more and no longer worry as much about what people will think of things I say.
Previously my husband didn’t laugh at things I said, things that I thought were funny. He even told me on several occasions that I wasn’t funny. So I stopped saying what was in my head. I stopped being that little bit of myself. Which is awful because there is so much to me, so much I want to say and do. I wasn’t letting much of it out and then I had to cram the little bit I was letting out back in.
I’m not 100% sure where to end this. My ADD is a little bad today and I keep thinking of different things. Example: this video of a brown toy poodle, that looks like a teddy bear, Donna showed me.
I guess I’ll end it with this: don’t wait until you have lost yourself completely. Not just when it comes to your significant other. It could be your job or your work or anything. Once you lose yourself completely it is hard to figure out who you are again.
Have you ever found yourself acting one way and then you turn around and act like someone else? Like in the blink of an eye?
Last night Avery came into my room and told me Cameron was crying. So I get up and go ask what’s wrong. Cameron says he had a nightmare and asked if I would hold him. I say sure. Avery ask if he can have some water. I say sure. I go get the water and give it to Avery.
Avery then proceeds to say the cup isn’t full.
So I use the voice. You know the one with the tone that’s laced with sarcasm and seriousness all in one.
“You get that or you get nothing!” He accepts.
Then in a split second I turn around and use the other voice on Cam. The one that’s all kind, caring, and concerned.
“I’m coming. Scoot over and I’ll hold you.”
I know that I have mental health issues. But sometimes I wonder if being a mom causes more of them. Like split personality disorder!