I’m not sure that I have talked about it yet. But I want to go back to school. I want more for my life than living below the poverty line.
But right now I don’t know if that will happen.
I woke up this morning to several messages from Penn State saying that I am ineligible for finacial aide. With those messages so much of my hope just went out the window.
I’ve called a couple offices and no one is answering right now.
I feel heartbroken. I know that it is not the end of the world. I know there are bigger things in the world. But this is what affects me right now.
I go tarot cards over the weekend. They will mainly be for personal use. To help me move past problems of the past and to help me move forward with choices now. Maybe I need to give myself a reading. Maybe it will help me.
Avery is not an easy child. He never has been. I know that most of it is not his fault. But there are some times when it is so hard to look past the problems he has had. Some night you just want to lose your shit.
Avery has made great progress at school. He isn’t as mean as he had been, he is focusing more, he is saying when something is bothering him. He has made great strides.
At home though, that’s a different story.
The other day after he had gotten himself into trouble, he did a time out on his bed. When Donna went back in to check on him she heard him talking to himself. He was telling himself that he was a good boy and he was going to be good. Hearing this makes me want to cry. I don’t know if they are happy tears or sad tears though. It makes me happy to know that he is trying. But it also breaks my heart. He wants to control it but he can’t. Whatever that driving force is that makes him do bad things… he can’t control it completely. We shouldn’t expect him to but we do. We should be more tolerant of some of his behaviors, he is four and more happens in his brain than we can fathom. His brain is moving so fast that I think it makes it harder for him to learn how to act.
Tonight he got into trouble while I was at work. He broke Luna’s newest toy. A toy that should be unbreakable. So when I got home I talked to them. I sent Cam to bed and then I took out Avery’s piggy back. I took $10 away from him so that Donna could replace the toy he broke. Then I sent him to bed.
I went up to hug them goodnight. When I hugged Avery. I told him I loved him to the moon and back and that he was a good boy. He started to cry. The only thing I could think was to hold him. SO crawled in and I held him. I told him he was a good boy, he made a bad choice but that’s ok because bad choices happen. I told him a couple more times he was a good boy. He cried. It was like the cry that I sometimes need. The cry that helps lift some of a stress away. He is 4! Yet he cried like someone who is carrying to much!
I actually said this to Donna. Over the weekend I told her that I think I’m having visual hallucinations again. She asked me what I thought I saw and I told her a mouse. But it’s possible that it was just the cat running by and I saw her foot. I asked her to set up some traps just to make sure we don’t have mice.
I’ve also been dealing with some tactical hallucinations. I feel more itchy than normal and feel like something is there when it isn’t.
So I said “what if it’s the new medication? I mean other than the hallucinations I’m fine?”
“Other than the hallucinations I’m fine.” Who says that?
One of the hard parts of the room makeover was getting ride of this. Lucky for me Donna is amazing and transferred them to a large board that she is going to engrave.
The room is not complete. The trim needs to be painted white and we need to loft the boys beds. But here are some of the pictures so far.
Donna fixed my sewing machine so I’ll be making curtains sometime soon.
So this weekend Donna and I are redoing the boys room! I’m very excited and already tired!
So far we went to Joann’s for the curtain fabric. Michael’s for frames for these awesome posters Donna got. Home depot for the paint.
So here is a tiny tiny peek!
This morning I had to go to Michael’s and exchange one of the frames. When I opened it the corner hooks were cracked and there was a hairline fracture in the glass. The 2nd one they held for me was also cracked. Luckily the third was ok.
I’ll be headed home shortly to help with the work. I will post some more pictures when we are closer to finished!
Right now the boys are downstairs picking up Lego’s that Avery spilt(this looks spelt wrong) all over. He just got out of timeout because he spilt Lego’s, after I told him to take them to the dining room table.
Before that we were in the car where they bickered over who was talking first. Or who got to talk at that moment.
Before that we were at Dunkin where I got them each a donut and a drink. Cam a hot chocolate and Avery apple juice. Cam tried cooling his down by blowing on it with the straw fully submerged. It went on the table, a high top table, and himself. Avery wouldn’t sit on his butt and he kept rocking the chair. Somehow he too spilled his drink. Neither finished their donut.
But before Dunkin we were in the car and I took this picture.
It shows the difference in them so well. Both so proud of themselves. Both thinking they look super handsome. Let’s face it they do look pretty good! Tiny heartbreakers in the making. Donna did their hair for them. But they picked their own clothing with little guidance. Avery just had to change into different pants than he had been in. I only told Cam not to wear to big of a tee shirt underneath.
When they were putting their shoes on Avery told Cam he didn’t look handsome. So I stopped Avery and told him he didn’t look handsome. He cried. I asked if it hurt his feelings and of course he said yes. I told him that if it hurt him it hurt his brother. So we don’t say mean things. Sometimes I feel really bad about how I punish them or make a point. I know in the long wrong it will make them better. It still sucks.
For a moment though they were both sweet, quite, smiling, and handsome. I want to hold onto this moment forever. I want to hold onto all these moments for as long as possible. One day they won’t want me to hug them, hold their hands, be carried, me to lay with them at nap time, or come into my room at night when they have had a nightmare. There are so many moments to hold onto.
I feel like it’s been forever since I last posted but in reality it’s only been 4 days.
A couple nights ago Cameron and I had a coloring contest. My mom acted as the judge, Donna was at work.
Round one was won by myself with “Man in Hot Dog Costume.”
I also won round two with “Grapes of Wrath.” This pissed Cameron off. Meemaw apologized to Cam and explained that mommy just knows a little more stuff. I told Cam that if it had been based on artist merit his pizza would have beat mine. Mine simple won because of a play on words.
Today after school I am taking Cam to get his ears pierced. This is big! I’m going to take him to a tattoo parlor that does kids ears. I’m a little worried that he will get one done and not want to do the second one! But I’ll be damned he is doing both!!
Donna and I have our 2yr anniversary coming up. So I’m trying to plan a trip. I wanted to do an Alaskan Cruise but that’s expensive. So we have floated the options of Aspen, Venice, and Amsterdam. I’m sure more possibilities will pop up.
When I mentioned Amsterdam Donna was all about it. She said if we went we could go to the red light district and she’d pay for me to get my kinks. I feel like this is a trick!
Somehow having sex with someone else is ok if she is paying for it.
So I vetoed it because it feels like a trap. Like no matter what I say it feels like it will be the wrong answer.