I haven’t written since the last post. What am I suppose to say. It was a difficult day. When it happened over a year ago I didn’t cry much. Not because I was in shock or disbelief. But because I didn’t care to much. Why would I? We weren’t close. He hadn’t talked to me or even tried.
As the year passed anger and sadness built. Which lead to my last post.
Right now the feelings are fading into the background of my mind. Next year they will rise to the surface again. So until then I’ll deal with my today’s. That’s really all I can do.
On August 6th Donna attempted to get me to meditate. I find it to be hokey. But I will try because she asked me to. I’m not sure if it was a success or not. Somehow we ended up on the topic of Greg, my father.
So this is to him even though he isn’t here. And it is for me because I need it.
One year ago, September 10th, 2017, you shot and killed yourself. I have been angry with you most of my life. I am still angry, but now the anger is worse and there is sadness.
I waited days, months, and years for you to reach out. For you to right your wrongs. But it never came. There weren’t apologizes for the mean things you said to me growing up. No apologizes for when you hit me. No apologizes for not being there when I needed you. You didn’t try. Was I just not important enough? Did you just not love me?
You never asked about my life, you never asked about my kids. You never showed any interest. You never asked me to come visit. Some people might say that I should have done something or said something. But they are wrong. It is not the job of the abused to confront their abuser. It is the abusers job to rectify their mistakes. Especially if they have “found Jesus” as Greg proclaimed often on Facebook.
I get told I should focus on the positives. But it’s hard to do when anything positive that ever happened was followed by something negative.
Now I have days where I am devastatingly sad. I am angry you never tried to fix it. And I am sad. I will never have a resolution. I will never feel like you loved me.
For those who may not have been reading since the beginning; I am a pediatric home health aide.
I go to peoples homes and help take care of their children OR I go to school with them. Intellectually and/or physically disabled. Some of these mom’s don’t get a moment to themselves. They work out of the home and in the home. I come in so they can go to work, then they come home and take over wherever I left off. For them there aren’t many moments to stop for a break.
Then we have the other mom’s. The ones who milk the system. They somehow manage to have someone around almost 24/7. Even when they are home. Normally these are the ones with more money. I’ve never seen this with the working class families.
These mom’s are hard to be around at times. They act like their life is so hard, that they are so put upon, that they “just need a break.” When in reality the aides are doing the work. They go get their hair done, their nails done, massages, tans, or whatever else. It’s not just a once in a while thing either. It’s ALL. THE. TIME.
In these homes I find myself doing things that are beyond the scope of my job description. I am asked to iron other peoples clothing, vacuum the whole house, the cars, wrap presents, and I’m sure I’m forgetting something.
To these mom’s I want to ask “how do you need a break when you aren’t doing anything?” But I don’t. I need my job. I need the money. I need a break. I take care of other peoples children then come home to take care of my own.
Know who else needs a break? The mom’s above, who go to work and then come home to take care of their child. Their child whose care requires more than the average child.
Everyone deserves a break once in a while. Some of us can’t take that break. Some don’t have anyone to help after work. Some don’t have the money.
Auto correct is giving me two different words and I don’t feel like googling it. So I am doing one of those things.
Last night I wanted to hurt myself. But instead I found myself here. I took my bedtime psych med and I took two clonipine. And it slowly passed.
How many times will it pass though? What happens if it doesn’t pass? What if I just keep carrying that desire to harm myself day in and day out?
It started with me over reacting to something. Which seems to be the case most days. I can’t seem to stop myself from just reacting. I can’t slow down and process things. I’m sure it’s a learned habit. But how do I break it?
Todays post was suppose to be something else. I rescheduled it for tomorrow.
I lose track of the days much to easy. I’m back to work, summer break is finally over. Hopefully the financial strain will lessen.
Cam starts school soon. I’m going to cry like a big baby! Donna is going to see about rearranging her physical therapy so she can come with us. His father hasn’t even asked about it.
There are so many things that enrage me about that man and how he acts. Last week he took the week off from work. But he only took them Wednesday(around 1pm) to Sunday evening normal pickup time. Then Monday I had to run by his house to grab money from PopPop and his car was parked there. So either he carpooled, unlikely, or he had that day off too. You couldn’t keep your kids longer? He was suppose to do all these things with them that week. He didn’t do any of then. Not even Chuckie Cheese! That’s the easiest thing! His biggest mistake was telling them.
He also said he was going to take them to legoland for this extended weekend. I don’t think he did. Last week he was suppose to get Cam new school shoes. He didn’t. They “ran out of time.” So he said he would do it this weekend. We will see. I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t take him.
In addition to him not being to great of a father, he has decided to not sign the divorce papers. To just ride it out and let us do all the work. It makes me mad. But at the same time I’m just like “whatever.”
I’m sure there are things that I am missing. But right now I can’t think of it all.
Today the desire to hurt myself is strong. I feel like I’m failing at life. I am stressed out and stretched thin.
In a couple days my sons piano lesson payment will come out of my account. I don’t know if I will have enough to cover it. Bill’s are behind because it is summer and work is slim. I do my best to stretch child support but it can’t cover everything.
I took my engagement ring and wedding band to a jeweler to see what I could get. My paperwork from the original jeweler put the engagement rings replacement value at $3000 and the band at $800. The jeweler offered me $175… for both. I cried right on the spot.
It’s not just the money getting to me. That’s just the biggest issue. So I’m laying in bed alone. Crying and wishing I could vanish.
I like to sleep a lot. When I sleep the real world doesn’t follow me. I can escape, with the hope that when I wake up maybe things will be better.
So we are once again going “camping!”
There is a small break between when I go back to work. So we decided to take the boys again. Their father is going to a concert this weekend, so we will extend the trip.
Next week they will spend Wednesday to Sunday with him. Surprisingly he called in his ability to take them for a week during the summer.
They weather is suppose to be good for most of the trip. So we might actually be able to get some activites in! Hopefully we will take them hiking, fishing, and swimming.
We will go to a bunch of hardware and farm stores for Avery. The hunting store for them both. And possibly some antique stores for Cam, he likes to be nosey and look at peoples stuff(like me).
I’m looking forward to it. After I am done with this I’ll be packing my meds so I don’t lose my shit during the trip!