Dying With Regrets

Something is wrong and I am having a hard time figuring out what. I know that things are stressful right now. That I am tired. That the kids drive me crazy. But something feels wrong with my emotions and I can’t figure out what. I can see all the normal things. The wear and tear of everyday life is getting to me. But I know that under the surface is something else that I can’t pinpoint.

Donna says that sometimes I seem lost. She’s not wrong. Most of the time I’m lost. I feel like I’m floating with no direction.

With my shrink, nicknamed Weird Al, we occasionally talk about what I want or where I want to go. Do I want to keep doing what I’m doing for the rest of my life or do I want more?

I know things I want to try. I use to want to be a house manager, like in a group home. But now that’s not possible because it’s a job that requires I’m available almost 24/7.

I wanted to run a dog kennel. That requires money.

The thing I come back to the most is fostering or adopting. If I could quit my job today and foster or adopt special needs children, I would. But at the end of the day it comes back to a group decision. Being able to do what I want hinges on others. If I’m honest… it makes me a little bitter. It makes me fear that I will die with regrets. I don’t want to get to the end of my life and regret never accomplishing my dreams.

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The Friends That Use To Be

Prior to meeting my husband I was in the National Guard and I had friends.

Several nights ago Cam was asking me about when I was in the Army. Little questions at first. Then he asked who I was friends with. I told him mainly the guys I worked with(I worked in the motorpool). Making friends with girls has always been difficult for me. I find being friends with guys to be much easier. There isn’t nearly as much drama.

Then he asked if I was still friends with them…

Without naming his father I answered as best I could. I am not. Sometimes when you are with someone they might tell you they don’t like this friend or that friend. So you stop talking to them. Then little by little they don’t like more of your friends. Before you know it the person you are with is the only person you have. I told him if this starts happening he should talk to me or Donna and we will tell him if the person was really not a good friend or it was a lie.

After meeting Donny I slowly let those friendships fall to the side. He didn’t like that I was friends with mainly guys. Before I knew it I was medically discharged and the friendships I once had were gone.

Looking back now it wasn’t just the military friends. After our son was born I joined a mom group. He encouraged it. Then when things like book club or a mom’s night out happened he would give me a hard time about going.

Manipulation. It isn’t always outright or obvious. Sometimes it is so subtle you don’t even see it till it’s to late. In the last year or two of my marriage I saw where I was being manipulated most of the time. The moments when he gave me hope that things would get better. The moments when he made it seem like we were a partnership. I didn’t see the friends thing until a couple nights ago.

I feel stupid. How did I not see it sooner? I know that I am not stupid. I know that. I know that I was shown what I wanted and needed. I know that it was a slow manipulation. A slow change, that most would not notice. That doesn’t stop me from feeling stupid.

“Camping” Part 2

“Camping” Part 2

Two kids, two ferrets, two grown ups, and a doodle go “camping.” Really we stayed in a camper in the middle of the woods.

We decided that since Donna can’t work for a while(concussion) and I’m off work till the 9th, that we would go camping for the week.

The weather was iffy the whole time. We did our best to fill the good weather times. Donna and her dad took the boys to Tobyhanna army depot. They got to see lots of big trucks, helicopter, satellites, and so on.

They got to run around outside freely, sort of, without us following after then. We did give them a couple ground rules like; stick together, don’t climb the woodpile or dig in the wood pile, don’t touch snakes(any other reptile was ok), and don’t go past a certain area.

Donna’s dad, Grandpa Ted, found a garter snake. He put it in a bucket and brought it down for Cam to see. Surprisingly he did not scream. He also got dirty and didn’t ask to wash his hands right away! He is not a fan of dirt.

We took them to see fireworks. They got to play with some sparklers and we set off some of the little fireworks in the yard.

They had smores one night. A water gun fight the next.

Cam got to shoot a BB gun, or tried to. He doesn’t have the strength to pull the thing back. He tried using a compound bow but also doesn’t have the arm strength for that either. We are going to look into getting a smaller bow. He also got his very first pocket knife. It’s small and not very sharp but he is proud of it, I think it makes him feel brave.

All in all it was a good trip. Cam said it was the best vacation ever, which makes me feel like I must be doing something right.

Playing Stupid?

Monday evening my husband was served the divorce papers. And surprisingly there wasn’t any crazy. He did email me the next day but it was tame.

I can’t tell if he is playing stupid or if he really is stupid. He kept asking questions that could easily be googled. I had to tell him twice to talk to the lawyer or a lawyer of his own.

He claims he can’t afford a lawyer. He also claimed he wouldn’t be able to pay alimony. My question is where does all his money go?

Besides that things are decent. We plan on taking the boys camping next week. Donna has a concussion and currently can’t work. So that stinks but is also sort of nice since I’m off of work for another two weeks.

Rectifying a Lie

A couple days ago I explained to Cam the truth about why we took them camping. I told him that I told him a lie because I thought it was the right thing to do. Then I explained that Daddy had wanted to go golfing on that Sunday and had planned on sending them home early. I told him I wanted to protect him and didn’t want his feelings hurt because daddy wanted to golf. So instead of sending them over there for less than 24hrs, and them not really get to do much, I took them camping.

Then I explained to him that mommy tends to cover for daddy when she shouldn’t. That daddy should be the one to explain things like this.

This morning when putting him in the car for school he said to me “I dont want to spend time with daddy all the time if he doesnt want to spend time with me. So could we go on another trip some weekend?”

My heart broke a little. I know that it is better to tell him the truth. He does best knowing the truth. If I lie to him he will be mad at me down the road.

But it still hurts that I cant protect him from everything.

Ferret Flu?!

Yesterday for lunch we went for Chinese. I firmly believe that it gave me good posioning.

Donna however, has different ideas. She thinks its either sun posioning or ferret flu. She is leaning towards ferret flu.

Did you know that ferrets can catch human illnesses and humans can catch ferret illnesses? When we got the ferrets Merlin was sick. He would eat and then get the poops. He wasn’t able to maintain his weight on his own. So I nursed him back to health by making a weird protein concoction, giving it extra water, and pedialyte. Now he is about 1lb.

I spent all of last night throwing up and crapping my brains out. TMI I know. During this whole time Donna didn’t wake up. Which seems impossible considering I sound like a dying dinosaur when I puke. So I was irked but also grateful. I wanted to be taken care of but I also didn’t want to wake her up.

Around 4 in the morning my body hurt. I was tired of walking to the bathroom for a possible vomit session. So I got a bucket and just did it on the bed around 430. Which then woke Donna up. She was mad I hadn’t woken her sooner.

In my defense I’ve always been the one to take care of myself. So this is still an adjustment for me.

I have spent most of the day in bed. Donna tried getting me to eat but I couldn’t manage much. The smell of everything makes me want to gag.

So it Begins

As I previously shared, Cameron had his piano recital. Which myself, Donna and their father attended. He then took them to dinner and we meet at a neutral place for an exchange.

So tonight was regular custody exchange. His dad did it like normal. Then I get an email saying he wasn’t sure if I wanted him to do the regular exchange. Him. Not his dad.

I simply told him that I think it’s best to keep it as is. He says to let him know when that can change… it can’t

All I keep thinking about is the impending divorce papers coming his way. An I really want to be like “nope papers are coming and I’m worried you’ll lose your shit.”

Now I’m nervous as fuck about the upcoming week. So we will see what happens. It’s the unknown that gets me and makes me panic.