I’m sorry. I think I might be depressed. Not bad depressed but a funk. I know I’m coming out of it slowly. I wish it was faster but it’s not.
There are things I want to talk about. But thinking about them makes me cry. An I’m at work so crying is not overly productive.
I feel like I’m a shitty person. I am apparently “mean.” Which is the opposite of what I’m normally told. So now I’m not sure where I fall. Am I kind and caring? Or am I “mean?” The worse part?! I’m not even sure I know what I’m doing to be mean. Or if I’m doing it and when I’m doing it. My memory is so crappy that I don’t even remember most arguements or what they were about.
I am “picking fights.” So I will partly agree to this. But only about one thing. Which is a book. A book that is important to me and has helped pull me back from my depression several times. So the book is important to me, or it was. And when something is important you share it. Or you try to. And when something is important you fight for it. But it’s not really important anymore. Trying to share it and failing makes me want to throw it. I want to have a tantrum like a child and I’m a grown ass woman.
There are all these words that I want to say or write and they all feel stuck in my throat and I feel like I am choking on them. I know they won’t come out right. I know they will be taken wrong.
I feel like I am losing myself. I thought I had found some of myself and now I’m not sure. It’s like I can no longer tell what is real, fake, manipulation, truth, or reality.
I want to disappear.
So I was in a down place for a couple weeks. I sort of still am but it’s better.
I haven’t really been working for the past month. Not since my regular client cancelled my companies services. They keep saying they will have someone for me. Yet here I am barely working.
I started putting in applications to new places. So far one company wants me to come in and put in an actual paper application and another company wants to schedule an interview. One was less than an hour after I submitted my application and the other was the next morning. This obviously makes me ecstatic. But also incredibly nervous!
My ability to do interviews is iffy. I get really nervous and tend to talk to much.
I love what I do now. But in all honesty the company I’m with kind of stinks. There are so many times when I find myself saying “They could be doing better.” OR “I could do their job better.”
There is a major lack of communication within the office and even outside the office. One case manager will ask me to work a certain client, but they won’t tell the other two case managers or they don’t tell the parents(if I can’t work). And when they find out I can’t do a certain day they don’t tell the parents. Then the parents will text me asking if I would be able to work, because no one told them. Telling a parent you can’t work is so much harder than telling the case manager!
I am a good worker. I show up on time, pick up cases last minute without knowing anything about the client, and I don’t complain. Most importantly I love my clients like they are my own children and do my best to treat them like I would want my children to be treated. If I’m caring for your child I won’t treat them like they are incapable of doing anything(unless they actually are). I will not talk down to them, I will not limit them by doing everything for them.
Not working much has me down. I know it will get better but that doesn’t make it easier in the moment.
I can’t fall back asleep. I woke up at like 5 and here I am.
This weekend was Easter. The boys spent it with their father. They are with him every weekend, which is obviously where Easter falls. Part of me was glad they were there instead of here. Every year it always fell on me to make things happen. I made the baskets happen, I made the egg hunt happen, I made sure it was special. This year that weight was lifted. Husband had to make sure that it all got done. The other part of me really wishes they had been here and that I could have done the fun things with them.
However, when they came home I had a surprise waiting for them and they seemed happy with that. We got them each new bedding. Sheets, a big body pillow, and a light blanket. Cameron got Spiderman and Avery got Paw Patrol.
Monday night after Avery had his soccer lesson, Donna took us out to dinner. Then we walked around the mall for a bit. We went into Justice, the bright and shiny store generally for girls. Cameron loves leggings. So I figured what better place to find them than a store meant for girls. He got two pairs. A pair of pink/green camo and a pair with the Eiffel Tower on them(they are all blue, purple, white with the tower in black).
I love him. I love that he isn’t afraid to wear the things he wants. I hope that never changes.
Last night after picking up the kids from their father’s house we came home. Normally it would be right upstairs to the bathroom and bed. But I arranged with their father to start picking them up an hour early. Mainly in hopes that Avery would not fall asleep on the ride home, he did anyways. So when they came home we had several “surprises” for them. It had been a busy weekend so there were a couple changes around the house and a couple new “presents.”
We shaved Dan, bought them a new box for their magnatiles, built a shelf in our bedroom, I got them each a new book, I got them a LeapStart, and a couple Skylanders(Toys R Us liquidation). I’m sure there are a couple things I’m forgetting.
So we read the books and played with the LeapStart a little. Then we did our normal bedtime routine. While brushing his teeth Cameron says, with toothbrush in mouth, “I think I have a loose tooth.” Now mind you he has been saying this for like a month and nothing has actually been loose. But I do what I always do and I check. An sure as shit one of his bottom teeth is loose!! I’m excited because he is so excited about it. But also… I’m sad. It’s a big thing to loose your first tooth and it’s a sign my baby is growing up.
I always joke with him that he needs to stop growing or I’m going to smush him smaller. Then I “squeeze” and pretend I am trying to make him small again.
However, today he is sick. He threw up in the middle of the night and didn’t want to come get me because he was worried I would be mad. Probably because he threw up on the floor next to his bed. Eww. So all day he has been all sad looking and tired. He fell asleep for a little bit, but just threw up again. So now he is in bed next to me dozing. When I look at him I want to hold him and never let him go.
Dan the Doodle smelled funny.
It wasn’t even your normal dog smell. It’s was weird mix of maple syrup and celery. The maple syrup I could understand. We have two kids, so far all I know one of them had sticky hands and pet him.
So yesterday after Donna came home from work we shaved and bathed him. Let me tell you it takes forever to shave that dog! During the start of it he hates it and then like halfway through he falls asleep.
Normally after he has had a bath we put a shirt on him, one of the kids ones. FYI he is 3T.
So now he doesn’t smell weird and he looks like a new dog.
After bathing the dog Donna started making shelves I asked for. I fucking love this woman! I asked if we could build them Friday(not actually build them that day). We got the stuff and she did it the next day! My husband never did that shit!! I found a keeper!
via Daily Prompt: Invisible
Most of my life I have felt like I am invisible. I am the girl who falls between the cracks, who no one sees, who is spoken over, who is stood up by friends. The few friends I had bullied me. “I’m only your friend because I feel sorry for you,” is a statement made by one “friend” that sticks with me to this day. I remember being told multiple times by my friends that I couldn’t sit with them at lunch. Even as a grown woman I have had horrible luck with people and have been bullied!
I don’t even know when it happened. When did I become invisible? Or was I always invisible? Did I do it to myself? Or did the words and actions of others make me invisible?
With the feeling of invisibility comes other feelings. Feelings of loneliness, sadness, social anxiety, and possibly a touch of paranoia. I don’t really have friends. The thought of trying to make friends gives me this feeling of pure fear. I worry that it will be just like when I was in school or in the few years after.
Life has changed drastically and I feel less invisible. It’s a very new feeling though. I constantly worry that I am not good enough. That people will not like me for me. Or like the girl in school, I worry that they will only be around because they feel sorry for me. I have yet to really make friends. I know that my fears are the driving force behind that.
However, I have a wonderful woman in my life and two beautiful little boys. She does her best to let me know that I am not invisible; her words and her actions slowly build me up. She makes sure the boys see me, she sets them straight when they give me a hard time. She helps them pick out birthday presents, valentines day cards, or other things. She is teaching them what their father couldn’t; I am not invisible, I am important.
I do not always see my worth. I do not always think that I am important. I do not always see that I actually am a great person. But she does. So when I am in a low moment she pulls me back up and I am a little less invisible. Day by day I am less invisible.
This is to the woman at the pizza place tonight who threw us a dirty look and muttered to her daughter “That’s why that child is sick!”
Please enlighten me. Why does my child have his horrible cough?! Your nasty look and snide comment, imply that you are all knowing and that I am somehow failing.
Was it his short sleeve shirt? His coat not closed? The lesbian parents?
Since these are the three things that are obvious upon sight one of them must be why my child is sick!
I wanted to stop and say “fuck you.” After we left I wanted to drive back and say all the things rolling through my head. I wanted to cry.
He’s in short sleeves because he had soccer and gets warm easy. His coat wasn’t closed because we weren’t at the door. As for the lesbian parents, I’m pretty sure it won’t cause a cough.
The cough? He came home with it. Every weekend when he comes home, from his father’s house, he is sick. I can’t stop that from happening. No matter how much I wish I could keep them home with me I can’t.
I love them and I am doing my best. There are people who do awful shit to their children. There are people who deserve dirty looks, snide remarks, and a visit from CPS, CYS, or whatever acronym. I am not that person.
So get bent.
The Tired Mom