I doubt my husband will ever actually read this. I don’t think he even knows I write. It’s hard to know if he ever actually saw me or if it was all an elaborate lie. These are all the things I have said or wished I could say.
We have been separated for over 5 months now. I know you tell people you didn’t see it coming. You tell them I suddenly left and you don’t know why. That’s not true. Then again maybe you have told yourself that so much, that you actually believe it.
After our first was born you changed. It wasn’t a change for the better. Sometimes I wonder if you actually changed or if you just started to show who you really were. You became more angry and sullen. You stopped talking to me. You stopped touching me. You stopped being the person I thought I had fallen in love with.
No matter what I said or did nothing changed. You did not get better or do better, even when you said you would. So we went to a couples therapist. It would work for a little bit but it never lasted. You said what needed to be said and would act differently, but for short spans of time.
I tried to survive on the moments of happiness and the tiny gestures of love. Gradually those too stopped and I slowly starved. I starved from lack of love, lack of touch, lack of human connection. I felt so alone. I felt like I was drowning. Slowly but surely I was dying.
I tried telling you we should go back to therapy. You told me we were fine. I asked if we could try going to a different type of church and you said no. I didn’t want to just be fine. I wanted to be alive. My asking to go to a different kind of church should have been a ringing alarm. I have never been the type to need God to get me through. Yet there I was asking if we could please go to a different church and you turned me down. You turned me down in so many ways. I felt unwanted and invisible.
It was five years of me trying and you fake trying. Then when I was ready to leave you wanted to try. But it was to late. I had tried and now I just wanted to stop. It’s tiring, being the only one who tries.
When I left you showed me the kind of man you really are. At first I had a little hope that maybe we could work it out. But you squashed that hope. You harassed me and said awful things. It was a constant barrage of hatred. Once you started you couldn’t stop and it ate away at my hope. And on several occasions it took away my desire to live.
I will not be a welcome mat. I will not be walked on. I will not be talked down to. I will not let you get away with hurting me. I will not let you break me.
It will be hard for you to understand how I can move on so quickly. But that’s what I am doing. It’s easier than I thought it would be. I think that it’s because I realized I’m gay. I spent most of my life thinking I was bisexual. Turns out I just dated men and ended up marrying one because it was easier. For one it was what society expects. You grow up, you get married, and you have children. Second men are easier than women. Women are complicated!
I know people will have a difficult time grasping that I am a lesbian. I’m having a hard time with it and it’s my life! People will say “oh that’s not possible. You married a man and had children.” But it doesn’t change that I am happier now than I have ever really been.
Your Invisible Wife