Something is wrong and I am having a hard time figuring out what. I know that things are stressful right now. That I am tired. That the kids drive me crazy. But something feels wrong with my emotions and I can’t figure out what. I can see all the normal things. The wear and tear of everyday life is getting to me. But I know that under the surface is something else that I can’t pinpoint.
Donna says that sometimes I seem lost. She’s not wrong. Most of the time I’m lost. I feel like I’m floating with no direction.
With my shrink, nicknamed Weird Al, we occasionally talk about what I want or where I want to go. Do I want to keep doing what I’m doing for the rest of my life or do I want more?
I know things I want to try. I use to want to be a house manager, like in a group home. But now that’s not possible because it’s a job that requires I’m available almost 24/7.
I wanted to run a dog kennel. That requires money.
The thing I come back to the most is fostering or adopting. If I could quit my job today and foster or adopt special needs children, I would. But at the end of the day it comes back to a group decision. Being able to do what I want hinges on others. If I’m honest… it makes me a little bitter. It makes me fear that I will die with regrets. I don’t want to get to the end of my life and regret never accomplishing my dreams.