Over the weekend and into yesterday I found myself falling into a funk. It was the sinking depression, the kind that makes you feel like you are slowly drowning or suffocating.
You could ask me what’s wrong. But I’ll probably tell you nothing or I don’t know. If I’m honest I normally do.
Lately I’ve been feeling lonely. I say things and I don’t feel like they are heard. The intimacy dynamics in my relationship changed. And while I know that they are beyond my control or my partners, it still hurts. Then when things finally seem to be headed in an intimate direction something happens and it stops. Or I say what I want, it doesn’t happen, and I’m left feeling not quite fulfilled. OR it’s difficult to achieve the Big O
Right now I feel like the intimacy problem is the driving issue. I am trying to speak up. But when I’m not heard I fall back into the mind set of “why even say something?”
She says she will try to listen better. All I can really do is hope she will. I just don’t know what to do if she doesn’t.
There are moments(or whole days) when being a mom is just to hard to handle. It’s not just the fighting, arguing, attitude problems, or resistance to choirs. It’s also when you’re trying to teach them something, when you try showing them something new, or when you tell them you love them.
I know that I am not alone when I wonder if I’m doing it right. Is what I said ok? Do they understand why the tiny homemade volcano exploded? Do they hear me when I tell them to be kind? Do they hear me when I say I love you? Do I say it enough? Do I hug them enough?
Today I had Cameron’s parent teacher conference. I met with his speech teacher and student teacher. They told me how amazing he is. How willing he is to learn or try again if he gets something wrong. They told me how they wish they could just take him from class just to talk to him.
Then I saw his teacher. She showed me his report card. He is advanced in most areas. Those that he isn’t advanced in he is proficient. In all those areas he is proficient he made one error during testing. He is the highest learning group of his class. Starting in January he will be going to 1st grade for part of the morning for classes.
We are doing something right.
Lately I’ve been trying to not freak out on the kids as much. I’m trying not to holler and trying to focus on the positive. I don’t know if I’m doing well or not. But I’m trying. I’m trying to praise Avery for raising his hand(at home) when he wants a turn to talk, for when he is nice to the dog, for when he helps his brother without prompting. I’m trying to calmly explain to Cam his responsibilities and why they are his. I praise him when he does his chores without complaining or without prompting.
I don’t know if Donna has been reading. If I had to guess I would say no. She hasn’t said anything to me about my writing for a while. It bothers me some.
Things feel like they are leveling out in some aspects. The car problem got sorted out. And somehow Donna’s car miraculously started last night. Work is pretty decent. For once I sort of have coworkers, they just aren’t with my company. I am hopefully getting some sort of bonus, I don’t know how much. It will go towards bills and/or Christmas presents.
In others it still feels… off? Our sex life has slowed down greatly. I’m told that I have a voice and need to use it. However, when I do it doesn’t feel like it goes anywhere. It makes me feel sort of lonely and also sort of invisible. I’m not sure what to do or say to get things to change. I know that I need to look for a new therapist. I need to find someone who can help me learn how to assert myself, how to manage my insecurities, how to make friends, and how to trust people in general. While I have grown quite a bit with my current therapist I don’t think I will improve much more. At least not in the ways I now need.
I know this was a little all over the place. But right now that’s who or how I am.
Sometimes it feels like the hits keep coming.
Last night Donna’s car wouldn’t start. Leaving is with no car. Then this morning her carpool buddy woke up to no car.
I called the mechanic and asked if they could at least get it in to run the diagnostics. They could so I took it down. Not knowing how long it would take for my car to be repaired I worked on finding a rental.
It was nearly impossible to find one. But I did. So I took the bus part way and then walked the 30mins to the car place. Get there and they tell me it’s not going to be just the payment. There is also a $200 dollar security deposit as well. I did not have that all on one card and they won’t do split payment. And my mom can’t come down to put it on her card because she doesn’t drive and she has the boys.
So I call my supervisor in tears to tell her I can’t work the evening shift I’m suppose to. She tells me she will come down and put it on her card. Cue more tears.
I don’t know of anyone, that I don’t know well, has ever done something so amazing for me.
I’m overwhelmed. My car needs to go to the shop. Donna’s car pooped out again. So her uncle is taking me to custody exchange. Christmas is coming. I’m worried that I won’t be able to do much for them.
Things have been a little tense at home. Lack of communication. Donna has been down and off her game. My mom hasn’t been pulling her weight much. She hides in her room a lot. The boys aren’t doing their choirs like they should. Instead they whine, cry, and give me a hard time. So I am left doing as much as I can and it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. I do what I can and other things fall to the wayside.
A while ago Donna and I had this issue. She was getting mad or upset at me because at the end of the night I was exhausted. I would lay down in bed next to her and just drift off. It wasnt that I didn’t want to spend time with her. I was just to tired to stay awake.
Then there was the arguement about how I’m suppose to speak up and use my voice. But at the same time I’m suppose to stay middle of the road. I have spent my life doing one of two things. I either 1) clam up or 2) say way to much, way to emphatically. I do not know how to be middle of the road.
There is more but the boys should be here soon for the custody exchange.
It feels like it’s been forever since I last posted. But it hasn’t.
Last week I had two panic attacks. One Wednesday and one Thursday. Both at work. Both caused by situational stress. It was loads of fun.
Yesterday my client was sick from school. So I stayed home and slept all day. I’m not sure if it’s depression related or if I’m getting sick. Or am I getting sick because I’m depressed?
Saw the new med doctor. Disclosed more to her during the first visit than any other first visit with others. According to Donna though I still didn’t disclose everything. I’m not sure what I didn’t disclose, but I’m sure she’ll make a list for me. All she did was up my vyybrd for now.
The boys got to go out trunk or treating, trick or treating and to a Halloween party with Cub scouts.
For the party they went as a pirate and a ninja.
When we took them out they went as Ant Man and The Flash. Donna was a pirate and I was a penguin. It has been a very long time since I have dressed up or wanted to dress up.
Co parenting with the husband is going decently. He is civil. I am civil. Donna is civil. They have talked during child exchange and I have some too. It is still nerve wracking for me. Because things are going well. Husband seems to assume that he can do drop off and pick up. He shouldn’t be. The PFA is still in place. Donna doesn’t like it, she thinks it’s him trying to manipulate me. But I don’t have the energy to really argue it. I know that we will probably have to put a stop to it soon. The next set of papers will be served soon and we don’t know what the reaction will be.
Sometimes I wish I could just say flat out “this is what I want or what we will be asking for….” but I know it wouldn’t be a good idea to lay all my cards on the table.
Cam might be getting a dog. I took him to meet one last week and it went well. He loved the dog and got along great with it. Now we just have to do a meet and greet with our two dogs. That will most likely be Saturday.
*this is saying my pictures are failing to load. I’ll try to fix it later.
I don’t remember having positive experiences with people. They have probably happened. It’s not possible to never have any good experiences. However, the memories that stand out the most are the not so great ones.
When your best friend tells you she has just been pretending to be your friend because she feels sorry for you.
When you tell a friend that you have a crush on another friend. Then the friend you told, tells the friend you have a crush on. Then both girls stop talking to you.
When you come out to your friends and they stop talking to you… but not to another friend who also comes out.
The most common problem I have with people occurs when I try to talk to them. I try to talk and get a couple words back. Or nothing at all. Then they come back around after a while and they apologize. Then they ask for something. It might not happen right away but it happens. They might ask if you want to come to their pampered chef party, jewelry party, scentsy party, or some other party. They either want to borrow something or for you to do something for them.
It happens with old “friends” and new “friends.” So what am I suppose to do when this happens? Am I suppose to do what I always do and just say “ok?” Go to the stupid party or help with whatever is needed? Or do I say no?
I feel like a welcome mat.